Truth be told, crime does pay

Friedrich Nietzsche, the 19th-century German philosopher, once wrote, “Our crime against… Friedrich Nietzsche, the 19th-century German philosopher, once wrote, “Our crime against criminals is that we treat them as villains.” Well, my boy Freddie obviously never had his car broken into and his iPod stolen out of it. Last week, I did.

I was walking out of my house on my way to my 1 p.m. class Wednesday morning – yes, one on a Wednesday does count as “morning”- when I confusedly noticed that I must have left my front passenger-side window open. Upon further inspection I realized that this was not the case – some lovely pedestrian had decided to manually open it by smashing the glass into the tiny pieces that were littering the sidewalk.

Another noticeable absentee from my car’s usual atmosphere was that beautiful little white box that held 3,000 of the best songs ever recorded. Other than that, everything else was intact. Somehow, this person had forgotten to take the warped Frisbee or the half-empty iced tea bottles sitting in my back seat. Great.

The destruction and robbery would have been insulting enough, but there was much more. The car was parked directly in front of my house, and all available evidence points to the event happening sometime between 9 a.m. and when I walked outside. And it was about to rain.

The most confusing part was why they picked my car. The iPod was tucked away, and I haven’t heard anything about a sudden rush of popularity for ’96 Pontiacs, especially ones with only one functional side-view mirror, only one working windshield wiper, a right turn signal that refuses to go off, electrical problems, a torn-up steering wheel and a dent the size of a bowling ball in the back bumper. The cop I talked to later that day suggested I get “The Club.” I told him that if somebody could figure out how to start my car and make it all the way down my street, they deserved to keep it.

The most important lesson of this experience cannot be forgotten – crime pays. Our whole lives they’ve tried to tell us otherwise – and you know exactly who I mean by “they” – but I’ve finally realized that that’s a big, fat, window-breaking lie.

This country was built on crime. Christopher Columbus and his crew came in here over 500 years ago and beat up on the natives. Stealing and other dirty businesses have shaped many political elections in our history. Pirating music and movies has become more popular with teenagers than underage drinking. Statesman Benjamin Franklin was a notorious jaywalker and former U.S. president George Washington never paid his taxes. Crime has always been here and always will be. It’s time for us to realize this and join in on the fun.

Look at how glamorous a life of crime can be. First, there’s Marlon Brando in “The Godfather” – the criminal all others are compared to. Then, Robert DeNiro was the man running tons of shady business while Joe Pesci did just about whatever he wanted to do in “Casino.” Brad Pitt, my new hero, hooked up with Angelina Jolie while being a professional assassin and Catherine Zeta Jones while stealing priceless objects in Europe. They have great lives, and they owe it all to illegal activities. This is the reality that our parents don’t want us to know about.

According to the police officer, there really is no way the person who committed this crime will ever be caught. Not only did the rain wash most of the fingerprints, but any remaining evidence was made useless when I covered up my new side-sunroof with a plastic garbage bag.

After seeing all of this play out, how can anyone expect me to stay on the level and live a life of monotonous social responsibility? We should be fulfilling our American duty by going out to lie, cheat, steal, pillage and riot. Why not? All that’s going to happen is instant success and total happiness. If you haven’t put down this article yet to punch somebody in the face, you’re doing the wrong thing.

So this mysterious person ends up with my iPod and all I’m left with is the bill and a radio that works every once in a while. I hope he is enjoying my music. Maybe it is enlightening him, expanding his cultural library. I’d like to think that. According to the cop, he probably just sold it, using the money to buy some candy or, much more likely, a subscription to The Pitt News. Somebody should have told him that it’s free.

E-mail Sam at Seg23@pitt.edu, especially if you have his iPod.