Dangerous disease ruins television

My taste is better than yours, and this is a problem. I wield a power that overwhelms the… My taste is better than yours, and this is a problem. I wield a power that overwhelms the decidedly wanting acumen of pedestrian Weezer fans and is greater than the discriminating snobbery of the hippest hipster. This keen, discerning ability elevates me above ordinary man, and while I may not be the acme of evolution, I am certainly an entertainment ubermensch.

It can be a gift, to be sure, but it is usually more of a dreadful curse. I may be able to enjoy everything better than all of you; but those of you in executive positions keep killing the everythings I love. The reason, of course, is that these execs have to pander to the masses – you guys – and you guys have terrible taste. I mean, when one looks at the list of television’s smash commercial successes, somehow horrifying shows like “Home Improvement” and “Two and a Half Men” have wooed you plebes away from your senses – particularly that of humor – and occupied top slots. And I’m pretty sure most of you are scratching your heads, wondering why I’m so upset about the existence of such “great shows, lol.”

The problem is that while your empty eyes stare unblinking at televised vomit, they are diverted from the truly great programs out there, misallocating the executioner’s axe and making my procrastination all the more painful.

But methinks my outrage might still escape your understanding. I shall provide some context that might briefly extend the feeble reaches of your mind and bridge this wattage gap. Here’s what the state of televised media would be if our positions were reversed; if my discriminating taste was the mainstream and the mainstream’s taste occupied but a small outcast bunch:

The headlines would scream jubilantly “Arrested Development Can Do No Wrong” and “Star Trek Jerks Wake Up, Smell the Firefly.” Fox would be transformed from the network of “When Bears Attack Swapped Housewives, lol” into the greatest network in history, merely by not unfailingly canceling the best shows on television.

The brains of you idolatrous Americans would not be subjected to the terrible mind-killers like “Fear Factor” and the rest of the Schadenfreude glut that is reality television. Sure, there would be the occasional laughter at the expense of others. However, shows that humiliate those that take a risk or take a chance, but are bereft of any other redeeming feature, would not last.

I’m not saying that all shows such as “Seinfeld” and “The West Wing” would be in danger of death by virtue of their being popular. Sometimes, lighting strikes and a show will thrive ratings-wise in spite of being good. However, in my world, the vast majority of today’s most popular shows would suffer cancellation or at least the agony of teetering on its brink.

To truly understand my pain, take your favorite show – maybe “Friends” or “Survivor” – and imagine that the networks were going to cancel it because the masses have good taste and don’t want to waste their time on David Schwimmer or jungle gyms. And most of you would be just as upset as I am now if you were unable to get your weekly fix of extreme makeovers and Californian brats.

It is truly unfortunate that you are the many; moreso that I must suffer your collective whims. The problem is that most of my fellow Americans don’t like to think – choosing “The Simple Life” over “Freaks and Geeks” – and don’t know when not to – choosing to abandon thought during elections instead of “Andy Richter.” Alas, this problem of television is but a symptom of a great and painful illness that also resulted in two terms for our current president.

That’s right, the world where “Arrested Development” tops the Neilson charts is also one where dangerous jerks are not allowed access to nuclear weapons and where my couch is perpetually exhausted.

Arun is just as pompous in real life. Send your outrage to arunbutcher@yahoo.com.