Cupid obnoxious, diaper-wearing

I’d just like to say that I hate Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know, you think I’m just a… I’d just like to say that I hate Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know, you think I’m just a bitter single woman on a national holiday designated to rubbing my lack of a love life in my face. There’s Cupid now, mocking me. Well, listen here, Cupid. At least I don’t still wear diapers.

Sure, perhaps from time to time I’m struck with a sudden fear that makes me break out into a cold sweat and shiver uncontrollably. Somewhere in the back of my mind lurks the terrifying thought that someday I could become a crazy cat lady. Oftentimes I wonder if I should start ironing screen prints of kitties on fluorescent pink sweatshirts so I’ll be prepared when the time comes.

So where did this “holiday” even come from? Nobody knows for sure, but the History Channel seems to think that Valentine was a Roman priest who secretly married young lovers when the emperor banned young men from marrying because he felt they made better soldiers without the distraction of womanly wiles. How sweet.

It seems to me that whenever young people are banned from anything, be it drinking, smoking or dancing (a la “Footloose”), they tend to want it more. Chalk this epidemic of prohibited secret marriages up to your basic, run-of-the-mill teenage rebellion. Oh yeah, and supposedly St. Valentine was brutally murdered for his illegal actions.

And as a result, we have this holiday. This day so highly marketed by the candy, cards, flowers, lingerie, stuffed animals, restaurant and jewelry industries. According to National Jeweler, valentines are spending more on gifts than ever this year, averaging about $105 per person. In February of 2004, American jewelry stores sold over $2.4 billion worth of Valentine’s bling alone.

So I hopped on the Web to see if I could find some alternative methods of celebrating the day. Some cute sites suggested ignoring it, doing kind acts for others or buying yourself a present and celebrating singledom instead of wallowing in misery.

A few slightly more, well, angry sites, such as the L.I.E. or Love Is Evil site, declare that the entire idea of love is merely a guise for moneymaking. They call for the day to be “celebrated” by wearing black, getting drunk and stopping couples displaying affection to tell them to get a room.

Ultimately, I’d just like to say that I hate Valentine’s Day. But the problem is that I don’t. At least not as much as those L.I.E. endorsers loathe it.

Let’s face it, I’m going to spend the day fantasizing about that knock-your-socks-off, can’t-get-enough, sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of love that everyone dreams about. And I am allowed to do it – everyone has a right to believe it’s out there.

But I’m also going to spend the day rejoicing in my singledom. Here I am, working my way to being one of a select few women in my family to attain a degree and pursue a professional career in the corporate world. What an amazing opportunity! This could be the one time in my life when I am permitted to be selfish. Once I settle down and get married – which is certainly part of the 10-year plan – the decisions I make affect many other people, not just me.

My main beef with Valentine’s Day lies with the lack of originality and spontaneity that accompany it. If you are in a relationship, designating a single day out of the entire year to show how you feel about someone each minute of every day is not quite fulfilling.

Some suggestions for spicing up the mandatory love day are ditching the roses and opting for an exotic flower mix, cooking dinner at home together and exchanging old-style, elementary-school valentines instead of the over-marketed Hallmark cards.

And for my singles celebrating “Singles’ Awareness Day,” or SAD, dress in black, but make it look hot and spoil yourself for the day. Most importantly, remember you are not alone.

So here’s a little Necco conversation heart I designed for all of you:

“Take your Valentine’s Day and love it – or shove it.”

You still have 24 hours to apply to be Jessica’s valentine. E-mail her at jrp32@pitt.edu to apply.