Parody Twitter account collateral damage of Pelini’s firing

The college football carnival may be on its way out of town, but the coaching carousel has just started to spin.

Within days of the conclusion of the regular season, head coaching vacancies are popping up in college football programs nationwide. Brady Hoke, on whom I’ve talked a lot of smack since his hiring in 2011, is out at Michigan. Hoke was a solid recruiter, bringing in top-10 classes in 2012 and 2013 and a top-20 class in his inaugural year, but he evidently lacked in the player development department, as the Wolverines’ 5-7 record this year didn’t reflect the team’s talent.

Moving south to Florida, the Will Muschamp experiment is over in Gainesville. The Gators, a traditionally successful team, never played at the level expected of them and only finished in the final top-25 polls once in four years under Muschamp. While many predicted he would be fired, Muschamp beat those rumors by announcing his resignation on Nov. 16. Reports indicate that Muschamp’s decision was indeed voluntary, and that he wasn’t forced out, which I find hard to believe. People don’t resign from one of the country’s most sought-after coaching jobs unless directed to resign. Or, you know, to “spend time with family” like Urban Meyer.

But the most confusing and, to me, upsetting coaching change comes at Nebraska, where head coach Bo Pelini was fired last week after a rather productive career. The Cornhuskers won at least nine games in each of Pelini’s seven seasons in Lincoln, the first three spent in the Big 12 and the last four in the Big Ten. Among the reasons cited for Pelini’s ousting were his failure to deliver in big games and his failure to win a conference championship, but I would imagine there were a number of smaller contributing factors, among them Melvin Gordon’s 400-plus-yard performance against Pelini’s defense and last year’s obscenity-laden comments about Nebraskans being “fair-weather fans.”

The reason Pelini’s firing has me in a state of upheaval is that it puts in jeopardy the continuance of the greatest account in Twitter history: @FauxPelini. College football Saturdays won’t be the same without scrolling through endless ranting Nebraska fanaticism in all capital letters, exchanges with ESPN, attempts to reach out to Pope Francis and the qualification of every Husker offensive play as either the best or worst play in world history. He often offered impeccable strategy tips, “I 100% RECOMMEND BLOCKING THE PLAYERS THAT ARE TRYING TO TACKLE OUR QB,” and took a practical approach to the weather, “WHY REVIEW THAT IT’S FREEZING LET’S GO.”

While real Bo may not have been thrilled about losing his job, fake Bo didn’t seem too upset with the decision at first: “LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT YOU ARE PAYING ME NOT TO LIVE IN LINCOLN NEBRASKA AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SAD.” But gradually his emotions began to take over: “CAN I GO BACK INTO THE STADIUM AND SAY GOODBYE ONE LAST TIME ALSO WHERE IS MY BLOWTORCH.” In a last-ditch effort, he tried to explain Nebraska’s misinterpretation of his strategic maneuvers: “THIS WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY EXECUTION YOU IMBECILES.”

Still, it was no help. Pelini is done at Nebraska. Join me in prayer that he gets hired elsewhere so @FauxPelini and all of his missing punctuation can continue to brighten social media.