If you’re frustrated, don’t masturbate, communicate

Why doesn’t he know how to please me? Why doesn’t she understand my sex drive? What is the… Why doesn’t he know how to please me? Why doesn’t she understand my sex drive? What is the most important aspect of a consistent and healthy sex life?

Although books have been written to address each of these mind-boggling questions, the road to a healthy sex life begins with effective communication.

Today we will get to the core of communication with your partner, focusing on disclosure between men and women. As trivial as the subject of communication may sound, your sex life depends on understanding your partner’s needs and wants and knowing how to relay your own.

We often say a lot to each other without saying anything at all. Somewhere along the line, we got our partners mixed up with the psychic Ms. Cleo and expected them to gather all our thoughts and desires from silent cues. We think that our partners can decipher our moans and are positive they’ll give us what we want sexually if we cut out the pillow talk.

Most importantly, we avoid disclosure at all costs. We enlighten even the person we let see our orgasm face – hopefully – with what is only on the surface.

Disclosure is a daunting task, especially when what you have to say could make or break your mate’s ego. The observance of many theories on communication between individuals is presented in “Interpersonal Communication: A Goals Based Approach” gives insight on communicating what is often left unsaid.

The text essentially argues that talking to your mate is one big game of tit for tat. The rules: (1) You ask. (2) They answer. (3) They ask. (4) You answer. In other words, you never want to be the one giving too much information. It should be give and take.

First, you have to know that the disclosure you need to have great sex doesn’t require you to reveal shocking family secrets at the outset of a relationship. Disclosure has to be a gradual process. Couples begin by discussing various topics at a superficial level and going into greater detail over time.

Now, people either like to talk about sex or they don’t. There’s no happy medium. But people will talk about themselves. Thus, one can prompt sexual conversation by making it about the other person. Not your favorite position, but her favorite position. Not your fetishes, but her fetishes.

When a relationship begins, you can learn a lot about your mate’s sexual tendencies from his or her past experiences. You should ask about her best sexual experience. What are your partner’s sexual must haves? What are things your partner will never do? Generally, you never ask a question that you wouldn’t give the answer to.

If you have been in a relationship for a while, a good way to backtrack is to ask your partner to list her sexual expectations, along with a list of things she is willing to do for you sexually. It would behoove you to have your list ready before you ask.

Then, you must break down the walls that gender built up. For women who want their mates to be open about giving them real orgasms, timing also becomes crucial. Whether or not men will be willing to talk has a lot to do with the situation.

Perhaps an evening call when your mate is not busy may be the way to go. I have had some of my most productive conversations over the phone. It’s not as confrontational as being face to face, yet you can read more from your partner than you can in an instant message or from an e-mail.

Women, on the other hand, will most likely disclose information to someone with whom they are comfortable, in whom they feel they can place some level of trust and someone who they know will listen.

Thus, if men want women to take their complaint of decreasing sexual activity seriously, they must first listen to their partner’s issues with an open mind. How men respond to women when they are being open will have a significant effect on how women respond to men. Thus, if your partner tells you she is having trouble climaxing, a good listener will respond, eager to know more about the problem.

“Wow, baby, how long has this been going on?” “What do you think we should do?”

When your partner lists suggestions such as manual clitoral stimulation or a vibrator and you consent to at least one, or when you want to increase the number of times you have sex each week, whether it’s from one to two or five to seven, your partner will in turn be open and consent.

Voila! Progress. So before you shell out $24.95 on a how-to guide about pleasing your partner or getting your partner to give you more, sit your partner down and have a little talk.

And if you get with this formula, you won’t be talking for long.

Always, always have safe sex. E-mail your sex questions to sex@pittnews.com.