How to deal with your partner’s cheating heart

Editor’s note: the sex column contains material that may be offensive to some readers.

A… Editor’s note: the sex column contains material that may be offensive to some readers.

A senior at Pitt, who asked to be referred to as Beyonce, spent three years in what she thought was a committed relationship while her boyfriend Dwight averaged one indiscretion each year they were together.

In the most recent incidence of his cheating, Beyonce stumbled upon text messages in his phone where he made plans to have sex with another woman. Dwight then confessed his indiscretion in tears, vowing that it would never happen again. After a fight broke out between Beyonce and the other woman, she ended their relationship.

Lloyd, a Philadelphia native and Pitt sophomore, had a similar experience with a girlfriend that he had only been dating for a month. “We had hit a rough patch in our relationship and were trying to figure things out, when a good friend of mine helped me figure things out real quick.” Apparently his girlfriend was in “bad business” and went up to the shore with another man.

The worst came when several people followed with the same information. “It seemed that I was the only one who didn’t know.” He talked about the embarrassment he felt after being left in the dark by his girlfriend’s indiscretions. When she returned, she made attempts to talk things through. He responded with, “I don’t want to hear it.” He ended the relationship and never spoke to her again.

An article in Eagle’s Nest Publications reports that “60-70 percent of adultery victims are women,” while “30-40 percent of adultery victims are men.” Obviously, the example above clearly illustrates that people of both sexes cheat on their partners. It’s interesting to consider a few things about infidelity: why it happens and if at the end of it all should you pack your bags or reconcile.

Some say that women need a reason to cheat, while men only need a place. But you are foolish if you think that men are the only ones who can participate in a sexual act that is free from emotional attachment. People – yes, women too – sometimes cheat to, well, have sex.

According to an article on ivillage.com, “Why do Men Cheat?” men cheat to see if they are still wanted or if they’ve still “got it.” People also often cheat because they are cowards. Instead of fixing the relationship they are in, they often attempt to temporarily solve their problems, sexual or otherwise, by sleeping with other people. They are either scared or too fed up to work on their relationship by either going to counseling or speaking frankly with their partner.

But make no mistake – there isn’t any valid reason to violate commitment. Also, cheating isn’t limited to sexual intercourse. Emotional cheating, things your partner does that he hides, is just as bad as sexual cheating and kissing.

A lot of people will also often ask, “Does cheating mean that he doesn’t love me?” He or she may or may not. But why does that even matter? How good is love in a relationship without trust or commitment? Not that great.

And that brings me to the finale: to leave, or not to leave?

I’m not even going to mess around with this one. A lot of people will talk about how each situation is different, and how counseling can work and forgiveness and all that jazz. But that doesn’t apply to us. For the most part, college students are not married people. Our lives are far less complex than people with full-time jobs, 2.5 kids and minivans. If someone will cheat on you without that ring, you cannot trust that marriage will cure his or her promiscuity.

But while I’m a staunch advocate of leaving perpetrators in the dust, I know it’s not that simple. And the fact is, many couples will stay together. A Web site dedicated to marriage and couple coaching, www.proactive.com, offers some insight on coping with infidelity: “You have to acknowledge the hurt and anger that the affair causes.” It also advises that victims of cheating not expect time to heal all wounds.

It concludes with some powerful advice for anyone in a relationship, faithful or unfaithful: “In addition to dealing with the infidelity itself, it is a good opportunity to explore pre-existing problems, such as problems of communication and intimacy. This kind of work is key not just to surviving, but also preventing, infidelity.”

Rose wants anyone who wants to be having sex to make it safe. It’s bad enough to risk your relationship by cheating. It’s even worse to risk your partner’s life. E-mail Rose your comments at sex@pittnews.com.