Crazy friends, crazier habits, all in fun

People have some weird habits.

One of my roommates is extremely intelligent. She’s one of… People have some weird habits.

One of my roommates is extremely intelligent. She’s one of those people who can make profound statements and carry on brilliant conversations. She even has a 3.95 QPA.

And when she gets drunk, she’s a total flake.

You see, she has this drunken tendency. It’s not drunk-dialing, not streaking through the Quad, not dancing the funky chicken in the glow of the neon lights on the corner by the “O.”

No, my friends, it’s wilder than all of the above.

She arrives home from an evening of boozing and general party pandemonium and plays the “I’m going to pass out” card. Once holed up in her bedroom, however, Dr. Jekyll becomes Ms. Drunken Amazon Book Orderer.

That’s right. She locks her door, scrambles to her computer, logs on to amazon.com and orders books.

She’s pleasantly surprised by her selections when they arrive in the mail, because she has no recollection of the actual ordering. It’s almost like Christmas when the Amazon package arrives. This week, we received the entire collection of “The Chronicles of Narnia.”

Even in her drunken haze, she managed to order the used collection for a cheaper price. Unfortunately, her favorite book from the collection, “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” is slightly torn on the binding.

But people have odd habits even when they’re not intoxicated.

I’ll be the first to admit it. I don’t enjoy it when certain food touches other food on my plate. The juice from carrots is not meant to mix with the gravy on my mashed potatoes and it’d better not make my breaded chicken soggy.

I have to watch “Saved By the Bell” every morning while I’m getting ready. I can’t bear to think of what would happen to my day if I didn’t get to see what harebrained scheme those kids were up to and how Mr. Belding was going to react.

The roommate who I share my bathroom with insists on putting the toilet paper on the dispenser upside down. You know what I mean – when you have to jerk it from underneath instead of it coming nice and easy over the top.

A certain guy I know has an obsession with what he refers to as “silky tags.” Now, a silky tag can range from the tag on a stuffed animal’s behind that says where it was made to a tag on a cocktail dress. As long as when you rub the fabric between your fingers it gives a pleasing silky feel, it’s a silky tag.

As a child, he determined which stuffed animals he wanted by which had the best silky tag. I’ve caught him feeling up my teddy bears on multiple occasions.

The young woman that I share an office with is deathly afraid of food contamination. So much so that she can’t bear to touch raw meat and will only eat meat if it’s been professionally prepared. She also can’t stand it if the closet door is more than an inch open. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, maybe?

Best-selling nonfiction writer David Sedaris details the obsessive routine that he followed as a child every day after school in his essay, “The Plague of Tics.” After reaching exactly the “six hundred and thirty seventh step” to his home after school, he was “compelled to kiss the fourth, eighth, and twelfth carpeted stair and then to stroke the burners of the stove, press his nose against the refrigerator door and blindly jab a butter knife in the direction of his favorite electrical socket.”

I love writers.

Believe it or not, Sedaris claims that he doesn’t have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Sure.

And I think that at least half of the people who have such quirks aren’t even aware of them. But ultimately, it makes them interesting. I mean, come on, if someone taps their forehead three times with their pointer finger, does the hokeypokey and shouts his ABCs before he can sit down for class, don’t you just maybe want to stick around and see what he could possibly be compelled to do next?

So today I salute you, Drunken-Amazon-Book-Orderers and Silky-Tag-Obsessed. Kick back and open a cold can of the beverage of your choice, because even through your seemingly sane facade – you’re selling crazy.

Jessica is quitting her job at The Pitt News so she can be the new assistant on “Monk.” If you think she’s way hotter than Sherona or that other girl, e-mail her at jrp32@pitt.edu