Secret Admirer not as admired as administration secrets

I have recently figured out that I have a secret admirer amongst the readers of The Pitt… I have recently figured out that I have a secret admirer amongst the readers of The Pitt News. The following is an open letter to that smitten reader:

Dear Secret Admirer,

First, you needn’t be ashamed of your feelings toward me; you are only human, after all. It is quite natural to have these tingly emotions, although you might want to write me a letter or two formally declaring your affections. By writing column after sensational column, I am sure that I have won the admiration of at least half of the eligible Pitt bachelorettes on the merits of my writings alone. Once you throw my rugged good looks into the fray, there can be no question that numerous ladies and gents all over campus are smitten with me. However, it appears that I have a subconscious predilection to love-strike shy students. You see, while there is no question you exist, the first step in being my secret admirer is telling me that you admire me.

But I am an impatient fellow, and I can stand the suspense no longer. I can understand your hesitation at what you may feel is “bothering a celebrity,” but I assure you, despite my deserved fame, I am very approachable. I know once I have allayed these fears, the letters spritzed with perfume will flow like honeyed water from the fountains of Apollo. I mean, what else would be stopping you? Sincerely, Me

I could see how one could be upset that I am propositioning a specific female audience using my position as columnist for The Pitt News; I can see how one could consider this use an abuse of my power and authority. For goodness sakes, my column becomes the sole topic of conversation on campus for weeks afterward; my influence is palpable. I hope my readers can forgive the use of my ample clout to advance a scandalous, philandering agenda.

That would almost be as bad as using a national holiday commemorating veterans of the military to attack your political opponents via dated straw men and question their patriotism while holding the office of the president. Sure, it’s a tremendous public relations opportunity that will have the undivided attentions of cable and network news, but politicizing a day that was set aside to memorialize those who have defended our country – those who were and are not of a singular ideology – seems unprofessional at the least.

On Sunday, Veteran’s Day 2005, the White House kicked off its “hit back strategy” to combat the lowest public approval ratings Bush has had since becoming president. On this day there is generally a short speech honoring our veterans with nonpolitical commemoration and gratitude, but the president chose to make it the first step in his mission to become credible again as a leader. What surprised me the most was how glossless it all looked and sounded.

I mean, he even used a John Kerry quote more than a year after it could be relevant. Kerry’s senatorial counterpart, Ted Kennedy, D.-Mass., also had things to say about the partisan attacks in Bush’s speech. When Scott McClellan, Bush’s press secretary, was questioned about Kennedy’s statements, he responded by claiming that Kennedy has more bad things to say about Bush than he has to say about Saddam Hussein. That’s just a junior-varsity evasive public relations maneuver.

I’m used to an administration that brought Herman Goering’s Big Lie strategy back en vogue. It’s just a little disappointing to see them slip at the only thing they have managed to do well in five years: covering their collective ass. Feel free to chuckle at my Democrat asphyxiation pun.

It seems to me that when you’re failing at the only thing you can do well, it’s time to hang up the world leader pants and go back to clearing brush for five weeks. This slump in spin doctoring could be because Bush has just had a rough couple of months and his buddy Karl is too busy to play, as he’s being investigated for several felonies, and Bush feels lonely. Of course, it could also be simply because the overuse of the spinning machinery and a few obfuscate-cogs and dissemble-springs are worn out and need to be replaced.

Effective propaganda is what got us into Iraq, so let’s hope this slump lasts a long while. It’s already pretty clear that Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld have a crush on Iran. And Iran checked the “no” box on both of their valentines, understandably creeped out, but those two never seem to get the hint.

When you e-mail Arun your love letter at arunbutcher@gmail.com, make sure you include some embarrassing display of affection. Only serious applicants will be considered.