Taking over the world one episode at a time

Back in my middle school days, while most of the cool kids were playing T-ball and being… Back in my middle school days, while most of the cool kids were playing T-ball and being embarrassed by their parents at soccer games, I was watching “Murder She Wrote” and eating fettuccini alfredo. Man, that was the life.

A bit of background, since most of my readers are under the age of 74. “Murder She Wrote” is an ’80s/’90s drama that focuses on the life of mystery writer Jessica Fletcher. She would write mysteries, travel, meet distant relatives and then solve murder mysteries when one of those relatives was invariably accused.

Also, she would stay in her own home town of Cabot Cove, Maine, where people would often die and she would endeavor to discover the true crime. One would think that they would have to bus immigrants to refill the population of that small town after a few episodes, or that she would run out of family to exonerate of murder – but no.

Unfortunately, most of the show’s loyal viewership developed other tastes, or more likely died. As a result, shows like “Law and Order” and “CSI” rose to take its place atop the crime drama TV series pyramid. This was a turning point for the history of the United States, because it sealed our fate as a country, but I will get back to that later.

Think about how pervasive “Law and Order” has become in our society. Even our generation is affected by this show; I have borne witness to many “Law and Order” marathons willfully undertaken by kids my own age.

This in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing; college kids watch everything on TV. Hell, I’ve watched “The 700 Club” a few times with friends while bored. Anything on at a consistent time every day can become the final reason you might use to justify skipping class. “Dawson’s Creek,” “MacGyver” – I’ve missed lectures to watch both of them.

The problem with “Law and Order,” though, is the stranglehold it has on all people middle-aged. My parents watch it, your parents watch it. I was dating a girl freshman year and I visited her house over winter break; her parents were watching it. She and I sat and watched it with her parents. It was very awkward.

The elderly watch it. The same crowd that so willingly used to serve as my allies in watching “Murder She Wrote” converted to this new show like natives forced to accept a new religion at gunpoint. The show has become so popular that it has four spinoffs, each with its own viewing audience and loyal followers. Oftentimes, “Law and Order” will go up against itself in prime time.

Quite an impressive feat, considering every episode of the series is the same gruesome mad-lib. One episode, you are dealing with a triple-homicide robbery. The next, a double hit man manslaughter.

I’ll tell you exactly what “Law and Order” is trying to do to the United States. It is trying to get us to reintroduce gladiatorial combat as a suitable form of execution.

Think about it for a few minutes and you will see that I’m not a crackpot.

Most episodes feature a suspect who disguises his tracks, then is caught and puts up some crazy insanity defense. In real life, I have heard, defendants only use psychological defenses something like 10 percent of the time.

In “Law and Order,” it is used almost every time. Just as there is a neverending line of suburbanites in Cabot Cove who are just there to die in “Murder She Wrote,” there is a neverending line of psychologists who are pushing their own little mental diseases and who will show up to testify that the defendant suffers from Schizo-Dissociative-Chlamydic-Oedipal Syndrome.

Occasionally, the insanity plea works and a murderer goes free. We know when this is the case because the background music is overly dramatic. When this happens, all those middle-aged people sitting back home all are thinking the same thing: This would be so much easier if we just fed all these criminals directly to the lions.

Just look for it. Eventually, they will start introducing mock gladiatorial combat as a reality TV show on Fox featuring social miscreants. Then, stations will have “Justice Night” during prime time, which will be three episodes of “Law and Order” and then Arena Combat Death League. Eventually, we will abandon all pretense, build a coliseum and just send condemned criminals at each other with swords and tridents.

After this, our society will grow fat and lazy and be taken over by the Visigoths. Think of the collective years of our lives we spend watching this single show; think of the more creative ways we could waste them instead. Watching “Law and Order” willingly is an admission of defeat for us, the under-40 crowd. Instead, let us all drink together and make merry. Every time we watch “Law and Order,” a part of our inner child grows up.

And I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m not trying to feel middle-aged until I’m at least out of college.

While they are at it, they should bring back “Matlock” too. E-mail Sam at smorey88@hotmail.com.