Avoiding mixed message sex

It seems that some women have spoken. They are tired of getting their hearts broken from… It seems that some women have spoken. They are tired of getting their hearts broken from mixed-message romance. One night that ends in casual sex eventually leads to a flood of emotions that sends her partner gasping for air — elsewhere.

Women are spent, having given too much to these noncommitted love affairs and getting little to nothing in return, ending up head over heels without any immediate course of action to get them back on their feet.

Men have their side of the sordid story on relationships. Some men desire non-committal sex but wonder how they can communicate that — and achieve it — without the label of full-fledged member of the canine family.

While last week we discussed the health concerns associated with sex, this week we tackle the infamous question regarding the emotional concerns of sex here at college: How do you achieve long lasting, consistent and above all drama-free sex while maintaining your mental stability?

James Cox, director of the Counseling Center, helps us hone in on what brings about the emotional issues of sex by looking at the bigger picture here at Pitt and the effects of the transition we are all making.

College is a place where the more things change, the more they stay the same. Each year we are greeted with new faces, and people from all over the United States. At the same time, people already settled at Pitt are on their way to champion the afterlife of college — the real world. It’s difficult for students to find common ground to settle down when they are all moving forward in different directions.

And that is only one inhibitor of the drama-free, fun-filled sex that is coveted by so many. While James Cox stresses that one’s value system, religion and location can interfere in a relationship, these things can also put a damper on your sex life.

Sex is based on the connection that two people have. It’s difficult to connect with someone when they stand on the opposite side of a sexual issue that is very important to your value system.

James Cox also highlights the difficulties in maintaining several relationships. While some of us can sustain multiple relationships for a significant amount of time, it is extremely difficult to sustain these relationships permanently.

Now, obviously, when we discuss no-strings-attached sex, this does close in on one part of the sexually active population. Sometimes it seems that this group of people is rising in numbers. Some of us are simply not ready for committed relationships because of our own soul searching. And for a lot of us, it’s not a matter of not being ready; it’s the unavailability of that special someone.

Underneath our bad-ass desire to have spectacular non-committed sex is compromise and settling for what we really want: the one. But as long as we are cognisant of that, what’s to stop us from sowing our wild oats in the meantime?

Oh — the emotions, the pain of investing in someone with your time and your body only to be discarded and displaced in their memory. It seems that it doesn’t have to be that way. Control over your sex life is dependent on your awareness: awareness of self and the possible outcomes of your situation.

James Cox charges Pitt students to know their choices, know their friends and to try to be around people who are where they are emotionally and socially. Staying true to your values will help you ward off sexual situations that compromise your emotions.

In short, it seems that there isn’t a real remedy to control what emotions will spring forward from sexual activity. People can, however, control how much they invest — time-wise and sexually — in one another. Date around, make friends, flirt and keep yourself available.

Know what you can handle sexually so that you are not hurt emotionally. In other words, if you cannot handle sex outside of commitment, don’t have it. If the good feelings of sex or cuddling are what you miss, invest in a vibrator for the former and a Maltese for the latter. You don’t have to settle.

For men it seems emotions aren’t the most immediate problem. James Cox does advise that regardless of gender, no one wants to be hurt. However, men are caught up by the simple and plain fact that women and men operate under different languages. Be clear about your definitions of things.

What do you mean when you say you care about someone or that you like someone? Sometimes women perceive different things from phrases that cover a lot of ground. “I like you” might mean for you, “I love your hair.” For her it might mean, “I could see myself being with you.” Work on decoding these statements; take a step further to be clear.

It’s our very emotions that complicate our copulation but make it all the more beautiful, so sex is not reduced to mating rituals on the nature channel. Emotions are an inevitable, unavoidable part of sex. Unfortunately, the good is often paired with the bad. And while we cannot control emotions themselves, we can control our situations so that they aren’t grueling to endure.

You can pursue relationships with different people and enjoy the experiences that this college life brings without engaging in full-on sexual intercourse. But if you choose to have casual sex, it’s important to realize that these relationshiprs are destined to be ephemeral. And although there might be emotional backlash to endure, someone who will promise you forever is out there. Nothing is permanent but change.

Remember, when it comes to sex: Always be smart, be safe and be savvy.