But if it’s on ESPN then it must be a sport, right?

As the World Series of Poker antes up for another showing on ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in… As the World Series of Poker antes up for another showing on ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports held a press conference to spell out the possibility of more card games on the network in coming years.

“We’re very excited for the future of card games on our all-sports channel,” said the spokesman. “We’ve just signed an agreement with the World Series of Go Fish, the World Series of Old Maid and the World Series of 500 Rummy. So, while the sun is setting on this year’s poker Series, the future is full of new World Series.”

Despite the excitement, cynics still grilled the spokesman about what, exactly, constitutes a sport if card games are featured on the sports network.

“What makes poker a sport is the fact that the people are skilled at what they’re doing,” the spokesman responded.

When a representative of the National Association of Rock-Paper-Scissors objected, saying that participants in the NARPS World Series were very skilled, the spokesman dismissed the representative’s reasoning.

“Yes, but the WSOP is very competitive,” he said. “That’s what really makes it a sport. That part’s even more important than the skill aspect.”

At this, the president of the National Competitive Speed-Typers Association actually shouted at the podium that his organization was full of incredibly competitive people, but that the World Series of Speed Typing hadn’t gotten any coverage. The burst of temper didn’t surprise anyone, as the NCSTA has lobbied loud and repeatedly for airtime on ESPN or ESPN2 for years. The president was removed from the conference.

Tempers have flared among participants in minor activities, claiming they have been sports ever since ESPN started airing the World Series of Poker. As the card game journeyed from smoky kitchens to the airwaves, it became a role model for other household games wanting to make the leap from random room of the house to television. Risk (the living room), air hockey (the basement) and Nerf basketball (any room with a door) have all formed committees to determine the likelihood of forming their own World Series and heading for the networks. But even though these games are played all over, there’s more to being a sport than just popularity.

“Some of your players have to have really quirky names that apply to the sport,” said the spokesman. “You know, like Chris Moneymaker. Croquet wanted air time, but until they get a Jimmy Wicketsplitter, it’s just one step short of ESPN quality.”

The spokesman went on to say that despite the large interest from actual sports to get air time — rugby, track and field, water polo, lacrosse and wrestling, to name a few — the network plans on airing even more card games.

Besides the aforementioned Go Fish, Old Maid and 500 Rummy, executives have also been in contact with numerous other card games to try to initiate more World Series play. Problems have developed in some areas, however, causing concerns over whether or not all of the games can appear on the worldwide leader of sports.

Cribbage appears to be one such stumbling block. The traditionalists don’t want any changes made to the wooden board, while the network has pushed hard to get a “peg cam” in the bottom of each of the board’s holes. Solitaire has presented its own problems, as nobody’s quite sure of how to set up the bracket since only one person plays per game.

Political correctness has also ruffled feathers of higher-ups on the card circuit. Gin Rummy’s World Series organizers have said anonymously that they’d be willing to change to “juice rummy,” but the World Series of War has put up an intense fight against the proposed name “World Series of Fun”.

“It’s a battle out there,” says Arty Cardslaughter, the unofficial national War champion of 2001. “It doesn’t matter if it’s the same number of letters, because war is more than just a name — it’s our emotions. We’re talking about a card game’s World Series here! This is no small thing.”

ESPN has plans in the works for World Series of Bridge and Hearts in the coming decades, though these are still in the brainstorming phase.

“Nobody really knows all of the rules to bridge,” an ESPN official said. “And Hearts, well, we can’t decide whether to have humans vs. humans, humans vs. computer, humans killing time at work vs. computer, 8-year-olds who don’t really know the game but always play on the computer when they get tired of minesweeper vs. college kids who just play to put off major essays. We’d need some sort of conference play set up. Perhaps a system like college baseball, with regionals and super-regionals before the actual World Series.”

When asked whether so many World Series would hinder programs like baseball, hockey, basketball or football, the official smiled.

“We’re not sure, but there’s a definite chance we’d bump other programming,” he replied. “But hey, they’re all sports, right?”

Brian Weaver is the assistant sports editor for The Pitt News. E-mail him at bweaves_pittnews@hotmail.com.