Assassin’s life: babes, money, lots of laundry

My friend Steven Bonko graduated from Pitt last semester. He graduated in three years, despite… My friend Steven Bonko graduated from Pitt last semester. He graduated in three years, despite having a five-year full scholarship and is perhaps the most mysterious and eccentric person I have ever met. In short, the tales of Steve Bonko transcend the banal minutiae of ordinary drunk-at-college stories because what he did in his short time here at Pitt will rightfully become legend.

The first time I met him, I thought he was joking about his last name. “Bonko?” I thought. “Does he work for the circus?” No, he did not, but he was a trained fighter. His father had put him in four different martial arts lessons, as well as boxing lessons, as soon as he could stand. Basically, Steve Bonko could have become an assassin. He has just chosen not to.

After I realized this about my friend, it got me thinking. If I was thusly trained and could slay three attackers with little more than my thumb, forefinger and the cinematic sense of Quentin Tarentino, would I choose the life of a high-priced hired gun man? Or would I wuss out like Bonko and blame it on ‘respect for human life’ or some other nonsense? I decided to break it down, pros and cons style:

Pro – Think of how badass your business card would be. I mean, restaurants would give you free lunches out of fear of reprisal alone. Red ink on bone-white card would take on a completely new meaning.

Pro – Everyone knows that if you are an assassin, your wardrobe is always top-notch. Form-fitting, yellow, vinyl track suits and alpine-white kimonos suit my complexion, anyway. Also, it wouldn’t matter what I wore, because who in their right minds would criticize a hit man’s Hawaiian-shirt-with-bottomless-chaps combo? Dead people, that’s who.

Pro – I bet once you’ve established yourself in the annals of contract killing, you can pretend to have inside information on the Kennedy assassination. You know, just throwing that out there.

Pro – Umm, money! Lots of it. Contract killing is a growth industry, I’m told. You might even be able to afford, you know, gas.

Pro – Babes. The “Good evening, darlings, my name is Arun ‘the’ Butcher. Want to join me in some international infamy?” line kills at bars. Trust me.

Pro – Brad Pitt will probably play you in the movie made about your adventures; Kal Penn in my case. The royalties from the domestic release alone would finance your new diamond-encrusted, platinum fronts. All hatchet men need shiny bling in their mouth; it’s a scientific fact.

Con – Laundry. I imagine that this is the side of the story that isn’t glamorized in the motion pictures. I mean, assassins either have to wear plastic ponchos or suffer the tedium of washing their blood-soaked clothing after each day at the office. You can only tell the dry cleaners it’s a cran-apple stain so many times before they start alerting the authorities.

Con – You know, the whole having to kill people thing might be a drag – a drag I think I could get past if I had shiny teeth. I mean, I’m pro-choice, so according to some folks, I already disregard the sanctity of life. I’m also pro-preventing-tens-of-thousands-of-deaths-by-not-wasting-the-money-to-shore-up-the-levees-on-tax-cuts-and-no-bid-contracts, a side that has yet to be represented by our pro-life president, so who is to say which side sanctifies life more. It’s all moot because the only time you need to say you care about human life is during election years. Florida had two hurricanes during 2004, and somehow the preparations for that natural disaster were mobilized weeks before the storms hit.

But I digress. As I tally up each column, it would appear that the pros have it in a landslide. Upon careful examination of the facts, there really is no good reason not to be an assassin. I’ve already ordered my Junior Hit Man Starter Kit from Boy’s Life Magazine; I just need to get pretty good with a bo staff and I’m set.

Arun Butcher would like to assuage the nerves of the Secret Servicemen that are about to visit him. Although he is brown, he is not armed. Please don’t shoot; instead e-mail him at arunbutcher@gmail.com.