I (verb) Bonds will disappear

Okay, kids, you know how “mad libs” work: Whenever you see parentheses, get your friends to… Okay, kids, you know how “mad libs” work: Whenever you see parentheses, get your friends to give you whatever word the story asks for, and the story writes itself.

I’m (adjective) of Barry Bonds.

After a year of (verb ending in –ing) about how rough his life is, the biggest (noun) in baseball is back in the batter’s box. Apparently, he didn’t jump off a bridge like he said the media forced him to.

You remember that press conference, right? I’ve always laughed about the “bridge” comment. After all, did we force him to use the (noun), or the (noun)? And did the media force him to have an extra-marital (noun)? Whose fault is it that his former mistress (verb ending in –ed) about injecting him with steroids? What she said can’t really be verified, but is it our fault she exists in the first place?

Perhaps the most moving part of the whole thing was his son, who I’m sure was just (adjective) to be there. The son wore a Barry Sanders jersey, which struck me as kind of funny. See, Sanders was a record-breaker who was clean, whereas the press conference was for Bonds, a record-breaker who is (adjective).

It’s too bad he didn’t head off the bridge he spoke of. Baseball was doing just fine without this distraction. Now, instead of talking solely about one of the most (adjective ending in –ing) playoff races in recent memory, we have to hear about his pursuit of Hank Aaron, a pursuit fueled by (anything on BALCO’s shelves).

We almost made it a year without hearing about the (adjective) outfielder, whose knee couldn’t keep him out long enough, as far as I’m concerned. He was probably just waiting for his (noun) to flush out. It explains the constant delays to his return, right?

There’s too much excitement in baseball this year to make room for his ego, which is roughly the size of (any of the nine planets). Roger Clemens’ E.R.A., BoSox-Yankees and Dontrelle Willis have kept me (adjective). Why make a place for a (noun) like Bonds?

At the plate, baseball has filled his void with other solid hitters. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez are giving pitchers fits in Boston. Albert Pujols is still a menace with a (noun). Andruw Jones is carrying the Braves to another division title. And check out what Jimmy Rollins is doing in Philadelphia. His hitting streak is the longest by a shortstop since 1900.

The return of Barry means that the talking (part of the body, plural) on ESPN have made a story out of the N.L. West. Seriously, any airtime dedicated to the N.L. West this year makes for worse television than (Stephen A. Smith talk show). We need to worry more about the Indians chasing down the White Sox in unprecedented fashion than we do about teams like San Diego and San Francisco, who will finish with worse records than (any team that has ever finished eight games over .500).

With any luck, the Giants will miss the postseason, and we won’t have to watch any more Bonds than we already have to. The Yankees might make it, but hey, I’ll take the Yankees over Bonds any day of the week. After all, it will be nice to see Joe Torre one last time before The Boss (verb ending in –s) him.

Something else that (verb ending in –s) me: it’s a little confusing that a guy who was as silent with the media as (Eagles football player with the initials T.O.) before he hurt his knee – when he was questioned endlessly about steroid use – is currently talking more than (former 49ers football player with the initials T.O.) now that everyone is obsessed with his comeback.

Bonds is talking all the time now. He even told Congress to get a (noun) and stop pursuing performance-enhancing drug use. Pretty bold statement from a guy who (verb ending in –ed) his way out of testifying before a Congressional committee on steroids.

The best thing to do with Bonds right now is to ignore him, like we do with (any WNBA star, if you can name one). Stop thinking about him, and he’ll disappear. With any luck, so will this (adjective) talk about him being the most-feared hitter of all time. Seriously, the most-feared? How about (former baseball player whose name ends in –abe Ruth)? I hear he was something special.

Bonds will likely pass 714 homers, but I certainly hope he never makes it to 755. With any luck, next year he’ll have a season worse than (any member of the ’62 Mets except Richie Ashburn).

But he probably won’t. If he plays, he’ll have a (noun) year. So, I’ll just hope something prevents him from playing, be it his ingestion by a (prehistoric reptile) or a guilty (noun).

Of, if he has any respect for the game, he’ll just walk away, and let the records of greater ballplayers stand.

Brian Weaver is the assistant sports editor for The Pitt News. E-mail him at bweaves_pittnews@hotmail.com.