Discovering the college experience from inside

If you can’t seem to meet people and you’re worried that school starting won’t make things any… If you can’t seem to meet people and you’re worried that school starting won’t make things any easier, have no fear.

Just don’t bother.

That’s right, kids. It is now possible to have a blossoming social life without leaving the comfort of your own beer-stained, laundry-covered room. All thanks to the miracle of technology.

The Internet has brought the entire world of college into any room with a phone line. Bookstores, bars and bistros have all been made obsolete.

You’re looking at the class offerings. As if the course titles weren’t obscure enough, you see the last names of professors and that means … nothing. Who are they? Are they easy? You want a professor whose teaching style will fit with your mindset in the class: “Gosh, I have to learn this!” or “Why am I here when I could be drinking?”

Luckily, you have www.ratemyprofessor.com, where you can find past ratings of nearly every teacher you’ll find in the course schedule. They have numerical ratings on clarity, ease and comments with everything from “he couldn’t teach a dog to roll over” to “disorganized, but entertaining and really hot.”

Yes, you can pick a professor based on physical attractiveness and dress style, as well. You can expect eye candy before you even go to lecture No. 1. So, you register and realize the price of books is too high. You can get them at the library — for two hours at a time — or steal them — and go to jail — or maybe order them online.

So on you go to Half.com or Amazon.com, or some purveyor of lesser-known books. A week later, you get a battered copy of “Mechanisms in Primate Sexuality” or “Fun with Sonic Booms in Urban Areas,” which has been rendered nearly illegible by a dozen owners who came before you, but hey, you’re not buying a Dickens first edition here. It’s a textbook, one that will be forgotten within five minutes of the final, or within five minutes of the first class, depending on how studious a student you are.

If you’re lucky, some kind soul at Moose Head State College has written notes in the margins. Score! And all thanks to the Internet. And you’re ready to learn! But the problem of socializing still remains. Guess what can help you out.

No, it’s not a dye job and a pair of inflatable biceps. It’s TheFaceBook.com. Although it’s magic moment during autumn of last year has passed and some people have forgotten the Web site, it still functions and has thousands of members who bare their soul to the directory of college students across the country. You can search for friends by their high schools, interests, tastes in music and clubs they have joined. Online groups focus around a mutual love of “Desperate Housewives” or a common wish to destroy Sodexho. You can know everything you need about a person before you even meet.

And most people have posted pictures, so even if you completely bomb, FaceBook is a good source for voyeurism when you get bored.

In fact, if it weren’t for class and food, you’d never need to leave your room. Add CampusFood.com and the only thing getting you away from your computer is class. So if you skip class, you can spend all your time in silly pajamas and bunny slippers watching a DVD of “The Matrix” while contemplating its similarities to your life, and using the friendly Internet to serve all of your needs.

So gear up for the college experience and let the surfing begin!

Michael Mastroianni survived college, and you can too! Don’t e-mail him at realityfactory@yahoo.com; go outside and read a book.