Taxes support the need for money

Ah, the country. It’s a wide expanse of grassy fields and verdant forests with winding roads… Ah, the country. It’s a wide expanse of grassy fields and verdant forests with winding roads that seem to have no one else on them. My friend and I were driving through a quaint little town near where I live in northeastern Pennsylvania when the red and blue lights of a police cruiser appeared behind us.

What did we do wrong? My friend is an impeccable driver to the point of frustration. She never goes faster than five miles per hour above the speed limit. What was the citation for? Speeding: five miles per hour above the speed limit.

That’s a bit oppressive, wouldn’t you agree? Here in this world of crime, a local cop is taking the time to stop someone who is a lot less than a menace to society.

The fact is that crime doesn’t pay. Murderers and arsonists are not often subject to fines, while people who commit summary offenses on the road are. The only thing we can do to murderers is lock them up or execute them.

Some small towns get most of their money from these fines. A town nearby our speed trap reports at least 30 percent of its revenue from parking violations, not even including change from the parking meters. The tendency of local police departments to jump on small offenses has people watching their speed and parking time to the point of obsession.

The need for money is real. A Pennsylvania township was held in contempt last week for violating a union agreement to keep at least two police officers on duty at all times. The township had to lay off some of its eight officers, with nearly $200,000 in unpaid debts.

Other townships and boroughs across the state find themselves in a similar cash-strapped situation. It’s what keeps a lot of Pennsylvania at the speed limit.

The state has solved some of its financial problems by increasing the taxes on driving costs, such as gasoline and registration. Taxes on cigarettes and alcohol are also at recent highs. Some legislators have contemplated raising the state sales tax from 6 percent to 7.

It seems like everything we do for fun has been taxed higher and higher to compensate for rising costs and falling budgets all over the state. Well, maybe not everything.

Hooters, everyone’s favorite “delightfully tacky” restaurant, is now airborne, with an airline that flies nonstop to popular vacation destinations. Hooters Air, which recently began flying to Las Vegas and Florida out of Lehigh Valley International Airport, boasts free food and soft drinks, as well as hostesses wearing the signature tight shirts and hot pants that patrons have come to expect at Hooters.

I’m not for objectifying women, but it often seems that some women insist on being objectified. While they’re at it, the state might get some more help for its financial crunch.

A new 10 percent “booty tax” on these flights would make hundreds of dollars from every Hooters Air plane that arrives at or departs from a Pennsylvania airport. I don’t think anyone flying on that airline would care much. If you’re on a plane because the stewardess is nearly naked, would you mind paying an extra couple bucks?

Even without Hooters Air, the state could put an “entertainment tax” on airports. Mark Peterson, president of Hooters Air, said, “we hope to add to the humdrum life at the airport.” But every time someone forgets to put their keys in their shoes or suddenly remembers they’re carrying a nail file, things get awfully interesting at the security checkpoint. I’d pay extra to watch the human drama.

Sticking with the trend of taxing fun stuff, townships could tax movie theaters, concerts, street theater and anything else that brings a little pleasure into our lives. I can see the future this implies, with a cop standing near a guy who just slipped on a banana peel demanding spare change from anyone pointing and laughing at him.

Falling in line with stereotypes, any agency that needs an income boost could tax lawn equipment and footwear. After all, men will never stop buying tractors and women will never stop buying shoes, right? The people who write TV commercials seem to think so.

If we’re looking at increasing fees and taxes on everything we do, we may as well accept it. If you drive at less than 80 miles per hour, do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because you’ll have to pay for it. The way things are going, you’ll have to pay for it anyway.

Michael Mastroianni only drives too fast while on lawn tractors. Slow him down at realityfactory@yahoo.com.