Coulter a metaphorical conservative porn star

“A Muslim by any other name blows up just the same.”

How can I say this without worrying… “A Muslim by any other name blows up just the same.”

How can I say this without worrying that all college students everywhere will turn on me? It’s easy, because this is a direct quote from Ann Coulter. Coulter is the figurehead for the new “Convert the Bastards” movement, which aims to promote the most outrageously conservative Christian agenda. It is enough to make Rush Limbaugh throw up, enough to make Pat Buchanan blush.

Although her book is called “How to Talk To A Liberal (If You Must),” she never actually delves into talking to actual liberals. Instead, she decides it might be more constructive to talk about “liberals” in a vague way with inaccurate generalizations, much in the same way that a racist uncle might talk vaguely of blacks or Hispanics and how they are ruining the country.

It’s a real shame for me, because she would be pretty hot in a sexually repressed Christian chick sort of way. That is, she would be if I didn’t know that she still probably blames me, a Jew, for killing her Lord.

I’m not sure that if I ever had a chance to date her I would, because she might haul out the rack and try to make me recant my heathen ways in an effort to save my soul.

Although at times it is tough, I have learned not to take her too seriously. She, like Bozo the Clown and porn star Jenna Jameson, is simply an entertainer. It is easy for me to believe that she is nothing but a writer pretending to be as outrageous as possible for the express purpose of gaining readers. More specifically, she is trying to create a loyal following to buy her books, of which she has published four.

If she really believed in the conservative movement, she would be out there trying to persuade people to accept the values of her ideas. Instead, her book is 368 pages of cheap shots at liberal personalities, like Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., that occur randomly.

So instead, she gets to be the metaphorical porn star.

Even though I know the content of the book, the title still bothers me. I’m sure some editor somewhere added “(if you must)” on the end of the title in an effort to convince conservatives to spend money on the book.

But this philosophy is becoming more and more common in politics. Conservatives can watch Fox News with the knowledge that they will be safe from the far-reaching liberal media, and liberals can watch Michael Moore evaluate President George W. Bush.

This idea of only looking out for yourself and your own is an interesting philosophy to come from Coulter, who claims to support the United States so much. Every branch of our government and our Constitution comes from a compromise between many different ideological groups. The early states-rights-ers and federalists, groups which were very much opposed, came together and created the Constitution, one of the best political documents in history.

It disgusts me when people on either side of that red-blue divide try to ignore everyone else. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., while running for president, did not campaign nearly as hard in Southern and Midwestern states, ones considered Republican, as he could have. Even if he knew that he might have lost them, that is what a good leader and a thoughtful person does — listens to criticisms from other groups and tries to compromise or find a solution.

As a result of this divided atmosphere, the federal minimum wage law increase remains un-passed. Even though it has the votes among Democrats and Republicans in the Senate to pass, it hasn’t, because Democrats want to increase the wage over two years and Republicans over three. There has been no compromise in the years that the bill has sat, dead, on the Senate floor.

In spite of all of this bad news, I am an optimist and I find hope in a lot of situations. The other day, I asked a conservative friend of mine what he thought of Ann Coulter. “Isn’t she that Nazi chick in ‘Indiana Jones’?” She sure is, my friend. She sure is.

Sam Morey would like to thank readers who accidentally read this column in their search for the crossword puzzle. E-mail him at smorey88@hotmail.com.