No, bro, don’t go, Penn State has nothing on Pitt

My roommate says it’s a damn shame, and I couldn’t agree with him more. Sleepless nights have… My roommate says it’s a damn shame, and I couldn’t agree with him more. Sleepless nights have plagued me ever since I heard the news: My younger brother will be getting a degree from Penn State.

Craig, a senior in high school now, has been top on my list of recruits. I made the calls and the house visits, just as Jamie Dixon and Dave Wannstedt do, yet it was all a waste. I tried so hard to steer him clear of the dark side, but I have failed.

Now, I’m left to question what went wrong. How did this happen? Was there something I could have done to prevent this from happening?

Maybe I should have bought him two Pitt T-shirts for Christmas instead of one.

Or maybe I shouldn’t have fought with him so much when I was younger.

I’ve tried going to the doctor, but he has no prescription. The psychiatrist just thinks I’m crazy.

I dialed 911, but they told me it was only for emergency use only — they obviously did not graduate from Pitt.

Luckily, before I completely broke down, I came to the realization that no matter what, I can’t change what already is. If I could, Pitt would have made it back to the Sweet 16 and Craig would be shouting, “Hail to Pitt!” But it’s too late for him, because my mom has informed me that the money has been sent and he’s set to go.

It’s OK, though. He’s not the only one to make this mistake, right Anthony Morelli? Hope your New Year’s party was better than the Fiesta Bowl. I have to say, Tempe, Ariz., was 60 degrees and awesome.

Don’t worry, Morelli. You would be on the bench anyway with Tyler Palko leading Pitt, which is another reason for me to care less that my brother has made this mistake. I’ll have bragging rights forever. The list is endless.

Dave Wannstedt vs. Joe Paterno: I’d take Wanny and the ‘stache any day and not just because he gives out free Burger King cheeseburgers during his speeches to students.

Heinz Field versus Beaver Stadium: First of all, Heinz ketchup is much better, and more useful, because I can put it on those tasty cheeseburgers that Wanny hands out. And besides, Beaver Stadium is about as old as JoePa. Heinz Field is state of the art.

Pitt men’s basketball versus Penn State men’s basketball: How many times does Pitt have to blow them out before they give up, like football did, and go away? Thanks for the extra “W” each year. We might need that one next year to stay above .500.

And women’s basketball: All I have to say is, give it two years. Agnus Berenato will get the women to the top (I predict top 25 in the next two years).

Lastly, the Panther mascot vs. the Nittany Lion mascot: It’s hard to say. They look alike. I think Penn State shops at the same costume store. Poser?

Most importantly, when it comes to football, Pitt has nine national championships to Penn State’s two. And just give Wanny a few years, if he needs that long, to get this program to the top. It’ll happen.

So Craig, you can see now that neglecting your brother’s advice has just given my favorite T-shirt at the Pitt Stop more meaning. Only sign of intelligence in Penn State: A road sign reading, “Pittsburgh, 198 miles.”

But I know he will be fine getting a degree at Penn State, because I and everyone else who has to experience this family tragedy have to realize one thing: It could have been worse. He could have gone to West Virginia.

Jimmy Johnson is the sports editor of The Pitt News, and he can be reached at Jimmysjargon@yahoo.com another couple weeks before the account is deleted for good.

Encore:

I heard you clapping, so I’m back for a few more paragraphs.

First of all, good luck to my little bro at college. I have forced him to read all my stuff here at The Pitt News, and I’m extremely fortunate to have him around to critique my work.

It’s weird sometimes how things worked out. Two years ago, I was on pace to become an FBI agent and, as you can see, I’ve strayed far away from that profession and I couldn’t be more happy that I did.

This being my farewell column, I have so many people to thank, but I don’t want the academy to cut me off with the music, so I’ll just thank two groups of people — the staff here at The Pitt News and the readers who, every now and then, tear their eyes away from the crossword puzzle to see what the heck Jimmy’s Jargon is.

I’ve had so much fun this last year as sports editor, and I owe a great deal of thanks to the staff. The readers of The Pitt News are fortunate to have such a great group of young, talented and dedicated sports writers on the campus. I can say you won’t be disappointed next school year — and Dave Thomas and Matt Sortino would both say, “That is a fact.”

In a few days, I will don the cap and gown, and my abbreviated two years at The Pitt News will end. To the paper, I will be nothing more than a file photo and an archived story. But to me, The Pitt News will forever live in my memory. After more than 40,000 miles of travels — yeah, I’ve kept track — from Boise, Idaho, to Boston College, this has been the best two years of my life, and I’ll forever cherish that. Thank you to everyone — readers, writers, friends and family.

Oh, and for the last time: I’m not related to the former coach of the Cowboys.