Save matrimony, settling down for after your twenties

My cousin is getting married in a couple weeks. She is 23 years old, and graduated less than a… My cousin is getting married in a couple weeks. She is 23 years old, and graduated less than a year ago. When I first found out about this, my reaction was a mixture of confusion and anger.

Growing up, it was always my brother, my two cousins and me, all born within two years of each other. From the time we were little kids all the way through college, I could count on the four of us being at the ‘kiddy’ table at every family function. A certain dynamic exists; our senses of humor fit well together. Now, every time the family gets together, it will be the four of us and her fiance, or worse yet, the three of us, without her.

It always confuses me when people my age get engaged and married right out of college. I don’t question that they are in love, and they no doubt know each other very well. But the person who you know now isn’t necessarily going to be the same person in a couple years.

A person grows into someone different when he or she leaves school. There is a transition period when you go from being a student or entry-level employee to being someone with more responsibility and a different kind of challenge.

Regardless, I do admire that they feel their love is able to withstand the fundamental changes they will go through, no matter how irrational or foolish that might be.

It seems that some people are just in a rush to get to that part of their lives where they are “grown up.” Some people want to get a 9-to-5 job, move to the suburbs and find a nice house with a white picket fence. They’re missing out on their 20s! This is the prime of life.

This is the time when we are no longer simply training to be something else; we are actually out there in the world practicing our professions. This is that time when we are the most free from attachments and restrictions that might keep us from doing the things we want to do.

If I wanted to get up and move to a different city, there would be nothing stopping me. If I wanted to travel to France to teach English for a year, I would be free to do that. If I wanted to join the Peace Corps or volunteer to fight the AIDS pandemic, I could. I don’t have to worry about being there for children, supporting a family or leaving the one I love behind … well, I might be leaving the one I love behind, but if it is meant to be, the love will still be there when I finally come home.

So instead of settling down, move to a city, get a job, rent a studio apartment, go to cultural events and meet some new friends. Take some time to yourself and figure out who you are. Go to grad school, focus on your career, date different people and find what it is that makes you happy.

While you are at it, party a lot, create some stories, have some wild times and make some memories. When you settle down, life changes forever, and not for the worse. But there is an element of freedom and flexibility that’s lost. If you bring children into the world, you have a huge responsibility that you can never abandon.

Not only that, but can college-age people financially afford to get married? Most of us are thousands of dollars in debt and will be for years to come. My father always told me not to get married until I’m able to pay for the wedding, and I think that’s reasonable advice.

The flip side of this is that I am somewhat jealous of my cousin and friends, who are so sure they have found the people who make their lives complete that they are willing to make that kind of commitment. I envy the fact that they have that one thing figured out, that they don’t have to worry about dating ever again, and more importantly, that no matter what comes their way, they have partners with whom they can take on life.

It’s wonderful that you have someone to share your existence with, but getting married won’t make you grown up. I hope all you soon-to-be newlyweds are adult enough to make it work, and try as hard as you can not to lose your 20s.

E-mail Dan Masny marriage proposals at dmasny@gmail.com.