Afternoons beat mornings everyday

Mornings are absolutely overrated.

Sleeping through them inspires in me not so much as a… Mornings are absolutely overrated.

Sleeping through them inspires in me not so much as a twinge of remorse or regret. Coming from a household where snoozing beyond the realm of 9:30 a.m. is considered “wasting the entire day,” I’ve reveled in the past four years of college — a span of time in which my slumber endures uninterrupted, give or take a few obscenely early morning phone calls or mornings spent camping out at Thackeray around dawn on registration days.

Currently in my last semester of collegiate bliss, I am fully aware that this may be the last time in my life when my morning activity takes place in the blackened hours of “last call” at the bars and not during the sunlit rush-hour commute.

Bearing this in mind, it can be concluded that I was obviously heavily medicated and severely delusional when I created my class schedule this semester.

Both my majors complete, I was plagued with the challenge of merely selecting any credit-worthy classes. The task sounded simple enough until I actually sat down one last time with that God-awful and cumbersome course-description guide. Still thinking coherently, I quickly nixed any class offered on a Friday, any which required a recitation and any that needed multiple textbooks or a copious amount of term papers.

This was the point at which somebody obviously dropped a pill in my Diet Pepsi.

For some inexplicable reason I decided that a class starting at 9:30 a.m. sounded neat and worthy of my presence at such an unimaginable hour.

Back in high school, I was forced to get a move on at around 6:30 a.m. I consequently spent a good portion of my day napping. My grades and multiple parent-teacher conferences were a direct result of this fact.

In college, I acknowledged my inability to function properly in the wee morning hours, and never scheduled class before 11 a.m. Up to this point, my decision has served me well — and my parents haven’t cut me off in terms of funding as of yet.

Truth be told, this 9:30 a.m. nonsense is a real kick in the ass.

I set my alarm an hour early, not so that I have time to ready myself for the day, or put together a healthy breakfast, but because I know I’m going to slam the hell out of the snooze button at least three times before my ass rolls out of bed.

From there, it’s a matter of me washing my face, brushing my teeth and throwing on whatever sweats are most readily available — all while in a caffeine-deprived, sleepy haze.

Because I’m the kind of person who considers being 10 minutes late being perfectly on time, I slide into whatever seat might be available in the back row and use the wall as an instrument to ensure that my head remains upright in case I begin to doze off.

Once settled in, I usually glance around the room to see if I can notice if anyone was smart enough to remain in bed and bail on that morning’s lecture.

For a person as admittedly jaded as I am, I find one aspect of early morning classes to be flat-out astonishing: There are definitely chicks who come to class at dawn fully decked out, dressed to the nines, made-up and showered.

The concept is just a little hard for me to grasp, as my morning “shower” consists of selecting a body spray and dowsing myself before I cut out.

Granted, these gals deserve some credit. All that preparation is no doubt time consuming, and surely appreciated by any awake men who also stupidly scheduled a class during the hours when McDonald’s is still serving breakfast.

I’m sure as hell not scoring any digits from that class, nor do I care.

My desire for a few more minutes of slumber completely outweighs my vanity or pride in personal appearance. I wouldn’t be caught dead going out for a night on the town in the same condition in which I show up for my first class of the day. But when it’s that early in the morning, somebody sure is going to have to offer my tired ass a hefty incentive — like promising that Joey Lawrence will put a halt to trying to rejuvenate his career — to make myself look presentable for an insignificant early-morning event like class.

Until that happens, I hope dudes dig sweatpants.

Colleen Bayus is fully aware that many people get up much earlier than she does and doesn’t expect any pity. E-mail her at cab2357@pitt.edu.