Pirates need a more Pittsburgh-ish mascot: Tommy the yinzer

Every time I attend a Pirates game, I get a strange feeling that something is wrong. No, it’s… Every time I attend a Pirates game, I get a strange feeling that something is wrong. No, it’s not the routine fumbling in the outfield, the vast sea of empty seats or the lack of a banner symbolizing a division win in any year after the opening of the film “Jurassic Park.”

It’s that stupid parrot! Why does a baseball team in a rainy, smog-infested, northeastern city have a tropical bird as a mascot?

I did some research into the origin of the Pirate Parrot and found that, like most wrong and vile things in this world, it can be linked to the San Diego Chicken.

In the mid-1970s, a jovial man in a chicken costume began entertaining fans during slow moments at San Diego Padres games. The character was such a hit that it became the Padres’ official mascot and led many Major League Baseball teams to adopt large, fuzzy characters as mascots. When searching for their own crowd-rousing bird, the Pirates’ management logically chose a parrot, the traditional companion of a sea pirate.

The Pirate Parrot has entertained fans for more than two decades, but I think it’s time to lay the old bird to rest. The Pirates need a new mascot, one entertaining enough to make-up for the lack of anything exciting happening on the field and one that acknowledges the distinct culture of Pittsburgh.

So, I present to you readers my idea for a new Pirates mascot: Tommy the Angry Yinzer.

Tommy would be a short, stocky fellow with a mullet on his head, an IC Light in his hand and the words “Cleveland Sucks” sprawled across his T-shirt.

He would climb atop the Pirates dugout and, in pitch perfect Pittsburgh-ese, scream, “Ay! I dittent worsh my good jeans and come down ‘ere so yinz kin sit on yer p’toots and not cheer! ‘Ome On!”

The seventh inning stretch and its usual pierogies race would be much more entertaining as Tommy gets bored with “this pansy pierogie crap” and tackles Potato Pete, kicks Cheese Chester in the shin, and then awkwardly rub ups against Jalapeno Hannah.

The fun would continue in the parking lot after the game, as Tommy blasts Bon Jovi from his 1989 Dodge Ram, as he speeds towards the Station Square Hooters.

Now, it may seem insensitive to actual native Pittsburghers to use a moronic, wholly untruthful stereotype of them as a mascot.

But this brings up another advantage of Tommy the Angry Yinzer. From the Cleveland Indians’ ridiculously offensive Chief Wahoo to the Atlanta Braves’ thankfully retired Chief Noc-a-Homa, Major League Baseball has a long history of using stereotypes of an oppressed people as mascots. To show that the league holds no actual animosity toward Native Americans, all teams should adopt absurd caricatures of their own fan bases as mascots.

Pittsburgh needs Tommy the Angry Yinzer just as New York needs Stanley the Small-Time Hustler; Tampa Bay needs Gladys the Grouchy Retiree; San Francisco needs Oliver the Overweight, Unemployed, Aging Hippie; Kansas City needs Hank the Freakishly Football-Obsessed Farm Worker; and Detroit needs Darrell the Disgruntled, Laid-Off Industrial Worker.

As penance for baseball’s ridicule toward Native Americans, a pantheon of self-mocking stereotypes is needed. This spring, the Pirates should welcome Tommy the Angry Yinzer and be the first to adopt such a caricature. Pittsburgh would once again become a leader in the MLB — at least in some marginal way.

Nick Keppler would volunteer to play Tommy the Angry Yinzer at Pirates games, but 12 years ago a vindictive speech therapist pounded every bit of Pittsburghese off his tongue. E-mail Nick at pnk6@pitt.edu.