Engineers auction dignity

Off to the side of Benedum Engineering Auditorium, Sumter Link juggled empty plastic bottles… Off to the side of Benedum Engineering Auditorium, Sumter Link juggled empty plastic bottles as he waited for the Engineering Student Council (ESC) Date Auction to begin Tuesday evening. Idle onlookers talked and toyed with their bidding paddles, which were made of tongue depressors and construction paper.

Smelling like a pack of Marlboros dipped in Old Spice, Student Government Board President Brian Kelly, accompanied by a ready and willing ESC President Lauren Wolbert, introduced all contestants and encouraged, coaxed and goaded audience members to bid on them.

Link, a freshman, was the first of ten engineers to be auctioned off and jumped onstage to Credence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son.” As Kelly rattled off Link’s stats, bidders learned the young engineer was a Southern boy who prefers Confederate women.

The bidding started at $5, but dropped to $3 when Kelly revealed a colorful anecdote about Link.

“One time when he was drunk, he pissed himself,” Kelly said as Link’s supporters cheered with gaiety and pride. Wolbert then stripped the smiling Link of his shirt. The forced striptease upped his worth back to $5.

“Come on, six bucks for this…freshman,” Kelly said, hoping to squeeze an extra dollar out of the bidders. The bid rested at five and Link exited the stage.

Next up was Joe “Danger Zone” Burns, who rock ‘n’ rolled into the spotlight to the unmistakable Kenny Loggins tune from the movie “Top Gun” movie. Sporting bold orange pants and the kind of shirt that never was and never will be in style, Burns described his ideal date as Uncle Jesse from “Full House.”

Opening the bidding at $5 again, Kelly urged attendees to spend more money.

“Five dollars — that’s less than a block,” he shouted.

“I’m dangerous!” Burns chimed in while playing air guitar. In the end, however, he was sold to another young man for less than the price of a Kenny Loggins greatest hits album.

Representing engineers of Army ROTC, Tyler Luffy was sold for a whopping 20 bucks — the highest of all the male contestants.

“Support the troops,” Link shouted as his peer walked onto the stage.

Jessica Brisbin, wearing slacks, a crisp, black button-down shirt and a necktie, strutted out to the sounds of 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop.” Brisbin danced closely with Wolbert — the two even kissed onstage as Kelly revealed that Brisbin “hates penis.”

“She broke her neck in junior high which has … helped her in bed,” Kelly explained.

Brisbin’s price gradually increased as she engaged in a risque dance with Wolbert. The final bid rested at $55.

Kerri Gatti was the next lady to strut her stuff across the esteemed Benedum stage. She wore a black pleated miniskirt and a black backless halter top. According to her profile, Gatti “loves the walk of shame” and guys who put out. She was sold for $25.

Wolbert shimmied across the stage to Ryan Ben while Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” played. Offering yet another strip tease to the gradually disengaging audience, unzipping his pants and then taking off his shoes, Ben went for $5.

“Don’t make him keep dancing with Lauren. Somebody please buy him for $8,” Kelly pleaded, referring to Joey Gottuso, the last auctioned gentleman of the evening. Wolbert danced provocatively to the AC/DC classic, “You Shook Me All Night Long.”

Before Wolbert herself stepped up to the plate, Adrienne Belasco and Leah Enders — two more conservative contestants — were auctioned off for $30 and $25, respectively.

Wolbert took the stage alone for the first time that night to sell herself for the good of her organization. Lap dancing her way across the front row of seats to “Bad to the Bone” earned the ESC president $23.

Two renegades from the audience then took the stage, offering themselves up for sale. Together, the men earned ESC $72.85.

Concluding the evening was another unregistered pair of freshman, Kaleigh Muller and Alicia Sylvester, who auctioned themselves as Kalicia. Kelly explained how one of the girls’ favorite pastimes is drunken, three-way kissing. A grad student purchased the pair for $75.

Collecting a total of $600, ESC hosted the evening with hopes of raising money for its E-Week events, including the annual Mr. Benedum drag show that will be held March 24 in the Benedum Auditorium.