Exploring the electronic frontier; re-igniting marriage

Dear Rose,

My “lovely” friends bought me a vibrator for my birthday. My boyfriend is into… Dear Rose,

My “lovely” friends bought me a vibrator for my birthday. My boyfriend is into watching me masturbate. I’ve never used a vibrator before, and am interested in doing it in front of him. Any suggestions on what I should do that would turn him on the most?

Vibrator Virgin

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Find out if he is interested. Some men view toys as alternative sexual stimulation methods, rather than interactive tools that can promote exploration and sexual growth. If he gives the green light, here are some guidelines:

First, always make sure that you have a lot of water-based lubricant on hand. Second, always give your partner a decent view of your activity, facing toward him at all times.

Third, keep in mind that this is as much for his satisfaction as it is a manual stimulation instructional. Utilize this time to explore and show and tell him what you like the most. Fourth, since men are used to penetrating, and are better at it than you are, this would be the time to ask for some assistance from the expert.

Lastly, and this is golden, always be willing to abandon your toy the moment he wants to experiment with his own tool.

For more information, check out the Web site www.sextoys411.com for a play-by-play.

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‘ Dear Rose,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. Our sex life is not good. I am always the one to initiate any sex that we may have. I have discussed this with her and she has yet to act upon it. Any suggestions on getting her to be spontaneous about sex?

Also, the thought of my wife with another man is a huge turn-on for me. I have jokingly made comments about this. I’ve even told her I’d love to be involved in a threesome with another man. I’ve given her permission (not that she would have to have it) to hook up with another guy if she ever felt the urge.

She said I’d be extremely jealous and go off the deep end. I might have in my younger days, but now, I fantasize about it. I’d love to watch. She says she couldn’t do it with another dude. I’ve told her that it’s human nature for us to fantasize about others, but she said she doesn’t. But, she does have a huge thing for Kenny Chesney, and she joked that if she got that opportunity, shed jump on it. What gives?

Dire Straight?

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To your second question, if she doesn’t want to initiate sex with you, why would she want to initiate sex with anyone else? Also, while kinks and fetishes are completely legitimate, after 17 years of marriage, you don’t want to risk her having sex with another man when your sex life is problematic. Before you even think about inviting anyone else into your bedroom, make proper use of it first.

To your first question, what kind of sex, in terms of quality, are you initiating? It is difficult to initiate sex that you know is not necessarily the best. Also, after the first few years of sex, if you are not a couple who is actively involved in your sex life and constantly exploring new ways to induce an orgasm (which you aren’t), it gets old.

Each of your sexual encounters must make a valiant attempt to re-ignite the flame. Before you start, try as much as you can to clean the slate and abandon all your preconceived notions about how you think she will react.

Then, on a day off from work, go out and get a makeover: haircut, new clothes and cologne — the works. Then when you come home, give one to your bed. It can be as extravagant as satin sheets or as low-key as freshly washed blankets with extra softener — anything that suggests a notable difference.

Then, utilize what you have to your disposal — an array of knowledge. Take her out to eat to at a restaurant that signifies a sexual milestone in your relationship — first kiss, first rendezvous, etc. Then recreate the experience.

On the way home, try to make a mental note of all her erogenous zones — not just the typical ones associated with women, but hers. Then, in your new-and-improved sheets, use this knowledge to your full advantage. This act doesn’t even have to be full-on intercourse. Increase the intensity of slowly but surely discovering your mate, and she’ll be initiating in no time.

The key to a healthy, reciprocated sex life is to give selflessly to your partner. If spontaneity is what you desire, tell her by showing her. Good will is contagious.

Always, always, always have safe sex. E-mail Rose at sex@pittnews.com.