Lessons in umbrella etiquette

The wind is blowing with so much force that you’re almost lifted off the ground. Your attempt… The wind is blowing with so much force that you’re almost lifted off the ground. Your attempt at keeping yourself dry from the pouring rain is a miserable one. Why? Because you don’t know how to use your umbrella properly. Yes, I’m talking to you, all of you.

When it rains, I simply refuse to use my umbrella. I have one; it’s a Pitt golf umbrella with a solid wooden handle. The umbrella is the perfect fit for me, not too big, not too small; like in Goldie Locks, this one is just right. But still I refuse to use my umbrella, even if it is pouring elephants and hippopotamuses. Why is that? It’s because the people around me do not know how to operate their umbrellas.

But my problem with umbrella use worsens when I, umbrella-less, am walking down a crowded sidewalk where everyone and his dog is using an umbrella — improperly.

Every person who uses an umbrella when it rains, listen up. You are clueless when it comes to using that protective force field. It’s time you all get a talking-to about umbrella etiquette.

First: Buy an umbrella that is proportionate to your body size. You shouldn’t use an oversized golf umbrella unless you are on the golf course or you’re my size and can control it in case of harsh winds. If you weigh only 120 pounds, you do not need three feet of protection from the rain. A normal-sized umbrella will do just fine for you.

When you’re walking down the street and someone taller than you is approaching you, pull your umbrella downward as the taller person holds his umbrella up, thus avoiding unnecessary umbrella contact.

When you’re walking down the street and someone shorter than you is approaching, hold your umbrella up, as the shorter person will follow suit and move downward to avoid umbrella contact.

If someone is walking down the street without an umbrella, respect his space as if he were armed with one. Those pointy things at the end of your umbrellas could poke an eye out. They seem harmless enough with their plastic coverings, but they can cause serious damage. Not all umbrellas are equipped with the fancy plastic coverings either. The old school ‘brellas have sharp, metal, pointy things hanging out from that mesh fabric, and if an umbrella is really old, the pointy things are overexposed, creating more havoc for the unarmed walker.

When you open your umbrella getting off a bus or in the middle of the sidewalk, look both ways — remember that thing you are supposed to do when you cross the street — and then when it is clear that no one is approaching, open your umbrella in a safe and efficient manner.

If the wind is so strong that your umbrella forcefully leaves your hands or turns inside out, put it away. It’s not doing its job if you can’t keep it in your hands, so why have it open in the first place?

Maybe I notice these things so much because I don’t carry an umbrella and I’m constantly avoiding umbrella users like the plague, dipping and ducking, trying to protect my fragile eyes from possibility of becoming sightless. But seriously, this is a problem on the sidewalks of Pittsburgh that needs to be dealt with.

As spring is approaching, be sure to keep these tips in mind as you pull out that oversized and unnecessary umbrella. Either go out and buy something that is an appropriate size for you, or go without an umbrella completely. A little rain won’t hurt — just wear a coat with a hood. No matter what you may think about yourself, you are not made of sugar; you won’t melt.

Brian Palmer is the A’E editor and has an eye phobia from a traumatic childhood experience, so if you see him dodging your umbrella and the pointy things on the end, don’t laugh at him, please. E-mail him your umbrella misuse stories at bkp8@pitt.edu.