The award goes to Oscar-watching men

Thank goodness Chris Rock clarified his comments about the Oscars when he was on “The Tonight… Thank goodness Chris Rock clarified his comments about the Oscars when he was on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Monday. I was worried

Everyone thought he said only gay men watch the Oscars. I don’t know if he was serious, being a comedian and all, but at least he corrected himself.

“I did not say that,” Rock said to Leno. “I said only gay people watch the Tonys.”

Wait. That’s just as bad. I watched the Tonys last year. I even remember that cute smile Hugh Jackman gave when he won Best Actor in a Musical for The Boy from Oz.

I can’t wait for this year’s Tonys on June 5. I hope Nilo Cruz shows up in that Zegna suit again.

Whoa! What am I saying? This can’t mean …

I walked into my apartment and realized that it was spotless. My bed was made with hospital corners, my walls were light violet and the floor tiles looked like I spent all night cleaning them with a toothbrush. I had even folded my pinstripe pajamas that morning. I didn’t even realize I wore pinstripe pajamas!

I found myself huddling in a corner, trying to exorcise the urge to call Charlize Theron and beg her to wear that ’40s-style orange sheath Vera Wang gown she wore at the Oscars in 2000.

It can’t be true, can it? Am I … ? No. I’m … I’m gay.

Not only am I gay, I’m one of those obnoxious, stereotypical homosexual men, with the high voice, quirky mannerisms and attention to every aspect of fashion.

I was watching Barry Bonds’ press conference on Tuesday and felt my collar grow hot as he finally deserted his cool, collected exterior and started to lose his temper.

“Oh! Listen to her!” I screamed, delighting in another sports star working himself into a perfect tizzy.

My phone rang, and I picked it up. Hey, it’s that blond girl I met at the Shadow Lounge who really seemed interested in me.

“Hey, what’s up?” I tried to say in a cool voice, but it came out as a loud “How are you?”

“Oh, I’ve had a terrible day, and I just need to buy a new pair of shoes. Want to come?”

Are you kidding me? Men don’t go with women to buy shoes! Yet, before I knew what I was doing, I blurted out, “Of course, girlfriend!”

I had to stop this. I hung up the phone, but it rang again. Maybe now I could redeem myself with the beautiful blonde.

“Hey, it’s Mark. We met the other night at Pegasus and I was wondering what you’re doing Friday night.”

I couldn’t deal with this! I turned on the television. Ah, it was “South Park.” I could watch Cartman make fun of minorities, and I’d feel better in no time.

But as soon as I heard Big Gay Al singing “I’m Super,” I found myself singing along. I mean, honestly, don’t you think I look good in this hat?

Wow. I picked the wrong time to be gay, too. With all the neo-conservatism in the country, I could look forward to a life of blunted persecution and being a social pariah. If I did find a guy I liked, I couldn’t marry him unless we moved to New England.

And so what if my favorite cartoon characters are gay, too? It’s not my fault!

I walked out into the street, and a woman brushed past me. She looked back as she walked on with that sexy strut women have when they know someone’s watching. I even saw her wink at me.

All of a sudden, everything was better. I realized I couldn’t be the stereotypical homosexual male if I like women. Not to mention, the stereotypical homosexual male doesn’t exist outside of “Will ‘ Grace” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

I guess Chris Rock is wrong. Here’s one straight guy who will be watching the Oscars Sunday night, and the Tonys in June. Not that I really care about the Oscars. I just think Chris Rock looks gorgeous in a suit.

Michael Mastroianni is not really gay, but wishes people who are would get the respect they deserve. Email him at realityfactory@yahoo.com.