And the Golden French Fries go to…

Some of you may have had the misfortune of catching the Spike TV Video Game Awards, hosted by… Some of you may have had the misfortune of catching the Spike TV Video Game Awards, hosted by Snoop Dogg. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the “First Television Station for Men” takes the D-to-the-O-to-the-double-G and a pile of desperate musical acts and celebrities — David Spade, need I say more — to hand out awards for an industry that most of them regard as a diversion rather than a legitimate art.

The voting, while left up to visitors to Spike TV’s Web site, offered a star-spangled list of choices that seemed to ignore the fact that a good portion of the gaming industry — and, arguably, a bulk of the better games — are imported from Japan.

I’m here to put things right. Using my keen grasp of the industry, I will now offer the awards that should have been given to the games that should’ve been awarded. However, using my limited budget, I can’t afford trophies, crystal monoliths, or anything spiffy like that, so I’ll go with what I can get for cheap — the golden brown deliciousness of French Fries. Let’s get started before I eat them all.

The Golden French Fries Award for Best Subversive Media Blitz goes to “Halo 2”

Last year I covered what was, in my memory, the longest line ever to form outside the EB Games in Oakland. It was the “Halo 2” release night. Two hundred people queued up to purchase the game, which had nothing to do with bees. OR DID IT?

The www.ilovebees.com phenomenon led “Halo 2” enthusiasts from real-life location to location, calling strange telephone numbers, receiving cryptic clues, and eventually finding themselves at a number of movie theaters for an early chance to play the game. The four theaters, spread from coast to coast, were networked together to create one nation-wide, 16-player game. It was a sweet-as-honey setup for a sweet-as-honey gaming experience.

Runner up: “Metroid Prime 2: Echoes”

The Golden French Fries Award for Best Audio Performance goes to “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas”

I’d have a bunch to say about this game, but Brian Palmer already wrote a great piece on this game’s soundtrack in his review last week. The modern iterations in the GTA series have been noted for their fully functional radio emulation, and it just keeps getting better. I’d award the French Fries myself if I weren’t scared of having to dodge gunfire.

Runner up: Katamari Damacy

The Golden French Fries Award for Best New Old Game goes to “Super Mario 64 DS”

In 1995, “Super Mario 64” proved to the gaming world that three-dimensional gaming was not only possible, it was an experience unlike anything perceived before. The worlds were large, open and innovative, and melded old-school Mario elements with the height of new technology.

Nine years later, it saw a port to the Nintendo DS, in an offering that proves that portable three-dimensional gaming has come to the forefront. The new version boasts four playable characters, a few new areas, and a bevy of touch-activated mini-games which threaten to upstage the main attraction out of sheer fun value.

Runner up: “Shining Force: Resurrection of Dark Dragon”

The Golden French Fries Award for Best Gift from Japan goes to “Katamari Damacy”

“Katamari Damacy” is, without a doubt, the best game to feature two kanji on its front cover since “Ikaruga.” It’s a game about rolling balls through living rooms, dinner, city streets, festivals, residential districts, theme parks and landscapes, while picking up anything and everything in your path.

That table that was your world a minute ago is now more fodder for your Katamari. The roof of the building that the table was sitting on is now looking small and insignificant. Soon, the island that the building was built on will be just another irregular lump in your soon-to-be star.

From reconstructing Virgo and Ursa Major to rebuilding the moon, the simple, addictive game-play and unique visual style, make it my best pick for less than $20. If you don’t own a copy of this game, you owe it to yourself to rectify this situation.

To quote Gamespot’s associate producer Ryan Davis, “Just consider it a $20 contribution toward a future filled with a broader selection of games with distinct personality and a fresh perspective.”

Runner up: “Taiko Drum Master”

The Golden French Fries Award for Best Game Consisting of 10 or More Games goes to “Mega Man Anniversary Collection”

Mega Man, Capcom’s longest-running cash cow, has appeared in somewhere around 60 games, spanning 17 years and gracing almost every major gaming platform. “Mega Man Anniversary Collection” includes six games that originally appeared on the NES, one on the SNES, one that was released on the Playstation and Sega Saturn, and two arcade-exclusive games that made their home-console debut.

Gamers everywhere have been clamoring for almost a decade for a decent compilation of Mega Man titles, and this disc doesn’t disappoint. Boasting plenty of extras from remixed music to developer interviews, it is the definitive collection of original Mega Man canon.

Runner up: “Sonic Mega Collection Plus”