EDITORIAL – Semester preview from sports to SGB

Here are some predictions for exciting news that may make reading the contents of this paper… Here are some predictions for exciting news that may make reading the contents of this paper even more enriching this semester than semesters past:

First, a look at the wonderful world of sports: As far as sports in the city go, the Steelers will be a triumphant Pittsburgh team and win the Super Bowl. Get ready for a game so anticipated by this city that any wardrobe malfunction that might happen during the halftime show would soon be forgotten. That’s if the Federal Communications Commission allows the show to be broadcast live.

Here at Pitt, we expect the men’s basketball team to return to the successful game of defense we once knew them for. While their victory over Penn State was something to be proud of, we hope that after losing to Bucknell and Georgetown, the Panthers will once again “protect this house.” The return of defense is only part of this team’s future. We also foresee head coach Jamie Dixon, losing the new hairdo. The slicked back hair of a used car salesman is nowhere near as dynamic or aesthetically appealing as his original poofy hair. Bottom line, this team needs to just get back to its roots.

Pitt also needs a qualified individual to be our Dean of Students. When Vice Provost of Undergraduate Studies and Dean of Students Jack Daniel officially resigns from his job as Dean of Students on Sept. 1, someone will need to be prepped and ready to handle the responsibility.

On the topic of campus positions, eight student government board members and a president were inaugurated last night. We suspect that the kangaroo court known as the student government board will have no more access to paper cutters. As a matter of fact, to ensure that no board member feel that he or she is at a disadvantage to a fellow member, all office supplies will be removed from that office. The only apparatus available will be one pair of left-handed safety scissors. Let them squabble over that lone office supply like an angry group of kindergartners until the end of the semester, when a special committee will be formed to analyze office productivity and board effectiveness.

Pitt will continue to produce innovative and groundbreaking research in all scientific fields. Doctors, physicians, engineers and biochemical experts will share their findings on campus at panel discussions and forums. Despite the lure of free food, the majority of students will not attend, and despite front-page coverage in this newspaper, those students will not care.

Biomedical Tower III will not be completed this semester. In fact, building will come to a halt when the University invests $7 kazillion into the construction of Biomedical Tower IV, which will solve all the problems that Biomedical Tower III had created, including the traffic congestion on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Lothrop Street.

The traffic problems will no longer exist because sensible drivers will avoid Oakland at all costs. With the construction of more towers and the loss of a parking lot, the only vehicles in Oakland will be the lunch carts and buses transporting people to and from Downtown.

Although these Port Authority Transportation buses will be the only way out of Oakland for most students, we don’t see many students venturing too far off campus. This is probably because the quality of bus service will decline. Schedules will become less frequent and some routes may not even exist. Basically, drinking on the South Side after 9 p.m. will require a

We’re not too sure what the weather will be like for this semester, but we’re pretty sure no one is. So just be prepared for the worst.

Whether this semester is filled with exciting lawsuits or mundane political scandals, the one true thing to look forward to is The Pitt News, so keep hope alive as we keep on keepin’ on.