Liberals 50 jumping jacks better than conservatives

November was a rough month for my liberal cohorts and me. I didn’t sleep the night of Nov. 2,… November was a rough month for my liberal cohorts and me. I didn’t sleep the night of Nov. 2, and then when I finally did rest, I slept until 9 p.m. Nov. 3.

I got about 14 messages from my mother making sure I had not slit my wrists with my Kerry/Edwards pins. But as much as that day sucked, 2005 is shaping up to be all the gut-wrenching agony and none of the momentary hope of new leadership.

It would be nice if Republicans could just take a couple days off from trying to destroy everything good about this country — otherwise known as being themselves. Despite their natural tendency to frustrate me, there are several things that I would love to take this opportunity to thank them for:

I no longer need to trudge to the Pete for a workout. I just turn on Fox News or C-SPAN and watch those smug jerks, like Tom DeLay, tell me that investigating the anomalous and possibly spurious Ohio election results “is an assault against the institutions of our representative democracy. It is a threat to the very ideals it ostensibly defends.” So, according to his logic, if I look into data that may reveal problems with the voting during a national election — such as votes that don’t add up, don’t match exit polls or were not allowed to be cast — I would be assaulting democracy?

Just the fact that the person in charge of conducting the election in Ohio, Ken Blackwell, was a chair on Bush’s reelection committee warrants additional scrutiny even if the elections went off without a hitch in Ohio, which they certainly did not. In fact, just by writing this I had to do about 50 jumping jacks and 30 back flips just to stop shaking with rage. If I even look at Sean Hannity or Neal Cavuto, I have to drop and do 20 push ups to refrain from destroying anymore television sets.

Another benefit of my political persuasion is that I rarely need to make full arguments, because before I even begin to finish them, the Administration and their cronies prove me right — or correct, as the case may be. For example, the District of Columbia is not directly represented in the House or Senate. They should be. The citizens of the city where democracy is exemplified should be able to take part in all the fun. Of course, that would mean a few more Democrats in the House and a couple more in the Senate. But I barely have to annunciate these very words before the Bush Administration goes ahead and proves my point by making them pay $12 million out of their budget to cover the cost of securing the diamond-encrusted “Re-Inauguranza.” Of course, if the people of the District were able to choose their own destiny via representative democracy — unless that’s also an assault on our government, Mr. DeLay — like every other U.S. citizen, they might be able to do something about it.

Of course, there’s also those looming issues of weapons of mass destruction and Al-Qaida’s collaborative efforts in Iraq, but I was proved correct about those at least two years ago. Somehow, “I told you so” rings hollow in the face of tens, maybe hundreds of thousands dead.

Lastly, thanks to good ol’ Dubya, I don’t have to worry about getting a job with my history/philosophy degree. So far, we’ve invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, almost Syria and probably Iran. We’ve tried to start two conflicts with China, and we continue to effectively ignore North Korea. Because of that, combined with the security of a missile defense system and personal savings accounts instead of social security — both of which won’t work and will cost us trillions — I won’t be around long enough to need a job.

If you look at it that way, it’s rather comforting. Instead of studying, I think I’ll hedge my bets and go outside to Schenley Park with some aerosol cans so I can contribute to Bush’s continued Clear Skies efforts. And I actually have some sharp and pointy sticks left over from when I destroyed my couch during some back flips. Maybe I could give them to Condoleezza Rice. So far she’s managed to be the worst National Security Adviser to date. I figure that if I give her some sharp sticks, she’ll manage to piss off more of our allies by poking them as she neglects her duties.

Whoa, I feel some more surges of energy coming on. I think I’ll jog until it’s 2008. Keep looking at those silver linings no matter how polluted the clouds get!

Arun might have to resort to becoming a superhero and fighting crime should said surges fail to cease, e-mail him at arunbutcher@gmail.com.