A tip for the ladies

Girls, what are you thinking?

I see you walking down the street, dressed in a cute, little… Girls, what are you thinking?

I see you walking down the street, dressed in a cute, little skirt or a smart pair of dress pants, on your way to somewhere important. Your hair looks perfect, your makeup is flawless, and that tasteful little bracelet or necklace catches the light of the sun.

But you’re jostling around like you’ve got some sort of handicap, taking pitiful baby steps and barely keeping your balance. Why? Because you can’t walk in heels!

High heels are universally sexy, right? They make our legs look long and sleek, our calves get that extra line of definition and our hips sway just a bit more when we walk. Guys go gaga for them. Girls, don’t lie — you know that other gals look hot when they’re strutting around in stilettos.

However, it’s not sexy to wear heels if you can’t walk in them.

Let me repeat that: It is NOT sexy to wear heels if you can’t walk in them.

And “able” does not mean you can make it down the block without falling over. It doesn’t even mean that you can make it down the block flawlessly but you can’t handle a slight incline.

You shouldn’t teeter-totter as you walk on even terrain. You shouldn’t be taking steps that are a quarter the size of your normal steps. You shouldn’t look bow-legged, knock-kneed, like you’ve recently had hip-replacement surgery, or like your toes weigh 20 pounds more than the heel of your foot (you know that sound heels can make on the pavement — tap-SLAP — when girls can’t sport them).

You shouldn’t have to hang on to the railing for dear life when you want to go up or down the stairs, staring at your feet as you take one precious step at a time, while senior citizens are passing you like you’re standing still.

You shouldn’t get yourself caught in cracks in the sidewalk, be deathly afraid of gravel or stones, or have the moves of a toddler if, heaven forbid, you have to run.

In fact, no one should be able to even tell that you’re wearing heels unless they are ogling your sexy legs and feet. They’re shoes, they’re not an excuse to regress to a time before you developed motor skills. Heels aren’t sexy when they’re sitting in the box; they’re sexy only when they’re worn, and worn well.

Just a week ago I watched a girl “walk” down Lothrop Street in a pair of stilettos. Her steps were little more than 6 inches long, and they were smacking the pavement at incredible speed. It looked as though she was moving as fast as she could just to keep from toppling over onto her face and rolling out onto Fifth Avenue.

I’m willing to bet that she can walk across a classroom looking pretty good in those kicks. But it’s completely negated with a performance like that.

The faces of the pedestrians around me perfectly conveyed my thoughts: humor, sarcasm, pity and even fear (that perhaps she’d fall and someone would have to take two minutes out of their day to make sure she hadn’t broken an ankle).

Ladies, switch to flats, wedge heels or maybe even go barefoot until you get a few hours of practice in those things. You’re not going to be walking down a flat, tile corridor all day.

You don’t have to learn how to run a cross-country course in them, but you at least have to be able to handle the tough obstacles you’ll encounter between classes and work.

Yes, you can and should sacrifice some things for fashion — sometimes it’s OK to wear something that’s a little uncomfortable or doesn’t quite keep you warm or wear something you can’t bend over in without giving the guy behind you a show (unless you want to give him a show). But it’s not OK to look like you’re playing dress-up in your big sister’s shoes when you’re in public.

Get a clue, get some practice or get some Nikes.