Early ejaculation no problem, motorcycle love deadly

Dear Tony,

I’ve got a real problem with premature ejaculation. Any thoughts?… Dear Tony,

I’ve got a real problem with premature ejaculation. Any thoughts?

-Speedy

First, it’s all in your head. If you let it bother you, you’ll just get more nervous. So stay calm; keep that sympathetic nervous system chill. Personally, I know that yoga’s really bulked up my stamina.

Just learning to breathe properly can keep you going for miles and miles. There’s also the tantric route, but that means you can’t screw anyone for a while, so you don’t want that.

If you want a quick fix, here’s your path: buy a c-ring and a bottle of Yohimbe. You won’t slow down a whole lot, but you’ll be able to keep going after you come, and that should build confidence, effectively killing your problem. Yohimbe — unsafe for those with heart problems or taking Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors to treat symptoms of depression — is an African bark that sends blood to your crotch. For the record, I’ve seen it work on women, too. Forget Viagra, Levitra and that Stamina RX you saw at Texaco. Yohimbe costs a couple bucks and you might have to pop twice the dose, but it’s solid stuff. You’ll be able to keep going. Just change condoms first.

Now, c-rings are harsh mistresses. I never found one I liked, so I stopped playing around with them. A standard c-ring is usually two or more rings; a smaller ring or series of rings for the shaft and a larger one for the balls — and yeah, that second one hurts like hell. Now, don’t just buy the cheapest thing you can find. Sure, that model’s only $10, but it’s only 20 cents worth of plastic tubing. Don’t buy anything that says “cut to fit.” The first sex toy I ever bought was one of those damned things; it didn’t fit, so I used the second ring in the place of the first, and it popped off at the vital, explosive moment. There I was: left with a mangled in a bit of plastic and a confused woman, and out 15 bucks.

Go online for a wider selection of rings, since sex shops don’t take returns, except on the occasional leather vest. And leather is what you want. Get a good, simple, pliable one, with some snaps. Don’t go over the top; the upper echelon “Gates of Hell” brand looks like something out of “Seven,” and you don’t want to scare anyone.

So take some yoga, focus your chi, eat some tree-scrapings from the Serengeti, and strap an appliance onto your crotch. Problem solved.

Tony,

I noticed that you said you ride a motorcycle. Whenever I ride on the back of my boyfriend’s Harley, it gets me pretty “excited.” Is there any way for a couple to be amorous while riding down the highway?

-Easy Rider

I had this whole fantasy set up. You see, when I get up to about 6000 rpm, my Virago really starts vibrating. Her muffler and engine get hot enough to burn leather.

My plan was, by utilizing precise up-shifting, down-shifting, an intercom system and a focused circulation of hot exhaust into the padding of the rear seat, to make a female rider orgasm. Christ, the bike’s essentially a 600-pound sex toy. Of course you’d have to mount some rigid nub within the upholstery for the woman to grind on. And you’d have to throw some restraining straps around the sissy bar, or else she’d just tumble off. Maybe if it were a large touring bike, like a Goldwing?

The point is, no; being amorous on your boyfriend’s machine will get you dead.

It’s a horrible idea to make any unpredictable, orgasmic movement at all on a motorcycle. Road-hand is completely out of the question. Just hold onto the rider’s belt, chest or hips as firmly as you can. Move as he moves, keep your chest against his back, and groove on the vibrations. That should be amorous enough. Just wait until the ride is over, then jump each other. If you want to, get the guy to buy a sidecar and masturbate in it when that semi-driver in the fast lane isn’t looking.

E-mail Tony and Liz at sex@pittnews.com.