Skins over the Steelers: only in my dreams

All right! The Redskins lost again! And again! It must be so much fun to never get to see your… All right! The Redskins lost again! And again! It must be so much fun to never get to see your team lose to the likes of the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bungles. And even though I live just outside our nation’s capital, I have come to envy those from some banal and forgettable Bumfu- … ahem, Farmtown, Pa. Your Steelers are the toast of the town, and everyone is singing your praises. Big Ben may in fact be a superhero, and Jerome Bettis has regrettably increased his average yards per touchdown ratio.

Being a ‘Skins fan is tough enough, considering that I can never see a single game unless it’s a Monday or Sunday night. I don’t think there is anything more frustrating than turning on Fox and seeing that they have bumped my game for a special broadcast of “Evita.” The ‘Skins try their very hardest to disappoint, and now I can’t even watch them.

We lost to the Browns! The Browns can’t even beat the Browns, and the Redskins under Legendary Joe Gibbs break their own backs to avoid a victory.

I wish I could join in on the fun of having a team beat all odds to dominate and deflower the only two previously unbeaten teams in the league. And I wish I could enjoy a draft class that actually has amounted to something without having nightmares of Heath Shuler and Michael Westbrook.

Yet I will not pretend to be a Steelers fan, though I may root for them. I am from Redskin country, and I will stay true to my team, but I have seen others from other parts of the country acting somewhat less than loyal.

These carpetbagging bandwagon-hoppers make it all the more difficult to remain a Redskin faithful. They get to have all the fun of this season so far and none of the dejection that the average Steelers or Redskin fan has had to endure up to this point. It is reminiscent of that ridiculous America’s Team nonsense with the Cowboys and their fake fans nationwide. I will rain on their parade because the Redskins suck right now, and if I can’t enjoy myself, I don’t see why anyone else should.

My roommate is of this dubious group; he is from Dallas and is now the proud owner of a Steelers hat. After my beloved Redskins fell to Cincinnati and its rookie-laden defense, his cheery face made me want to yell, “You can’t like the Steelers. You’re from Texas and …”

Ahem, excuse me. Of course, Tommy Maddox did sell him golf balls for a couple of years before he became a Steeler, and I guess that counts for something.

But, damn it, I have to root for Mark “I can’t throw past five yards accurately and need a glass to store my teeth in when I sleep” Brunell. Give me a break, people.

So in conclusion: Congratulations to you, Steelers fans. But I hope that you all — or yinz? — are enjoying your winning ways. Even though the ‘Skins will lose to — have lost to — the Eagles next week, my beleaguered and awful team will march into Pittsburgh and beat your awesome and dominant one.

How do I know this? Because Russ Grim will sabotage your offensive line for his old General Gibbs and the ‘Skins will march to victory! Maniacal laughter will ensue. Ha, ha, ha, ha … OK, maybe not.

Arun Butcher has superpowers that include telekinesis and flight. E-mail him at amb28@pitt.edu.