Hop in the way-back machine and pop in a videotape

Much to my surprise and delight, Blockbuster actually rented me a DVD. I recalled my renting… Much to my surprise and delight, Blockbuster actually rented me a DVD. I recalled my renting the hilarious “School of Rock” last year, enjoying it so much that I inconsiderately returned it considerably later than its due date.

It is because of this that I was sure I could never again rent from the Oakland Blockbuster without paying a fee equal to the amount that tuition has increased since freshman year. On a rainy Sunday evening, my boredom outweighed my fear of impending doom, and I decided to take the bull by the horns, suck it up and deal with my sizeable fine. Miracles really do happen every day, because somehow my charge was lost in the corporate abyss of Blockbuster, and I made out with paying only for my new rental.

Convinced I’d beaten the system and stuck it to the man, I smugly popped in my DVD, sprawled out on my bed and readied myself for 120 minutes of pure, mindless entertainment devoid of any intellectual labor whatsoever.

All was going as planned until about a quarter of the way through, when the storyline just didn’t seem to be running quite right, and the characters seemed to be moving in an awfully jerky and robotic motion. Unless my eyes deceived me, the damn thing was skipping.

I ejected the DVD, wiped it off with my trusty sleeve, and started it up again. No dice. Apparently my movie of choice had previously been subjected to the inner-workings of a wood chipper.

This certainly was not the first time I’d been in this situation. It was also not the first time I’d wished that I’d simply rented a Stone-Aged VHS tape instead of a snazzy DVD jam-packed with so many features that it can do all but go down on you.

VHS tapes aren’t without their pitfalls. They have been known to occasionally make VCRs go all crazy and eat the tape — getting it out requires a screwdriver, and, without fail, it all turns into a big, old mess. However, that has happened maybe three times in my entire life. Risks and all, I can still bust out my authentic, recorded-from-TV “Garfield” cartoon movies, circa the late ’80s, and they play without a hitch. On the other hand, my relatively new-enough “Ocean’s 11” DVD is functioning as a coaster.

Alert and mobilize the masses: Let’s bring back VHS tapes.

DVD worshippers claim that the color and clarity of the image is far superior, and that DVDs can provide enough extra features to rival the monetary value of the bonus Larry Fitzgerald received upon his entrance to the NFL. All of this is completely true.

Personally, I never stare at my television and marvel at the brilliant hues that are flashing on my screen. I am often annoyed by the irritating black outline that appears on widescreen-edition DVDs.

All those extras and deleted scenes? Allow me to break it down for you: Those scenes were deleted for a reason: They stink. Realistically, you might watch them once, and then never again view such useless footage. That’s 15 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

More than anything, with a tape, you are virtually guaranteed the ability to watch the film in its entirety without fear of skipping. In case you’ve forgotten, tapes can easily be stopped, paused, rewound and fast-forwarded without any considerable amount of time lost in the process.

There’s an expression that says something about everything old being new again. Such is the case with fashion. Original athletic jerseys are all the rage — same with vintage T-shirts and brightly colored, high-heeled pumps. Why shouldn’t technology pay homage to its history?

Hitch me a ride on the old-school bandwagon: Tapes are coming back. You heard it here first, folks.

If you think your DVDs are scratched to hell, you should have a look at Colleen Bayus’ CD collection. E-mail her at cab2357@pitt.edu.