Finding a good roommate tough, losing one easy

During his freshman year of college, my cousin’s roommate was less than ideal. Occasionally,… During his freshman year of college, my cousin’s roommate was less than ideal. Occasionally, he would urinate in my cousin’s laundry basket, but only under the specific condition that it contained clean clothes. He also developed the habit of wearing my cousin’s socks without asking and returning them unwashed. Lovely.

Thankfully, I have no roommate horror stories of my own. In fact, I’ve been lucky enough to have lived with the same roommate for four years and another for three. They are both wonderful people, living companions and friends. But not everyone is so fortunate.

It’s easy to find Web sites and magazine articles offering tips on how to be a good roommate. But what if by mid-October you’ve tried every suggestion and your roommate remains a repulsive, nasty beast? You could just move out, but perhaps you like your surrounding floormates. And you’re not the wicked tenet, so why should you have to relocate? It’s important to learn to be a bad roommate too.

As an advocate of passive-aggressiveness, I oppose confrontation and recommend making yourself the worst roommate possible so your evil room-sharer makes the decision to leave. But the following tips on how to be the least accommodating roommate should not be used on someone who simply gets on your nerves or listens to music you don’t enjoy. These techniques should only be applied to an indisputably disgusting or cruel roommate, such as the one who once lived with my cousin.

Please note that you may want to tell others what you’re doing before engaging in the following acts, or you will have a future of single rooms.

To annoy and confuse, try speaking in a different accent each time you see your roommate. Australian, British, or any interesting dialect of your choice. After about a week, transition to Stage Two. Act as if you are seriously studying Pig Latin. Practice out loud and often. Pretend you have Pig Latin tapes that you listen to while making flashcards. And ask your roommate if the registrar’s office returned your call about requesting a Pig Latin major.

Another way to encourage your roommate’s departure includes feigning an obsession with unattractive individuals — for example, former Attorney General Janet Reno or Pope John Paul II. Cover your walls with pictures of this person, and don’t forget to frame some photos for your nightstand. Make sure Ms. Reno or the Pope is smiling on your computer’s wallpaper and in your wallet. To truly distress your roommate, utilize a body pillow. Place a headshot of your obsession at one end, and dress the pillow in attire representative of the object of your desire, such as a business suit or vestment. Kiss it passionately every night. And, of course, life-sized cardboard cutouts of your obsession are always encouraged.

If your roommate still fails to request a room change, here’s another way to increase your own weirdness factor: Play an exercise video and watch it intently as though you were determined to master the moves. Then, do something completely different from what the instructors demonstrate. If jumping jacks are on the screen, do push-ups. If they’re taking a stretch break, run feverishly in place. But don’t be surprised if, in addition to moving out, your ex-roommate tries to check you in to a psychiatric hospital.

After carrying out these suggestions, it’s safe to assume your roommate will find you unbearable and promptly escape from your presence. If not, reconsider your wish for roommate removal. So your roommate is revolting and vicious. Unconditional tolerance is rare and should not be under-appreciated.

And even a considerate roommate, which I always strive to be, will have off days. Rather than by alarm clock, the other day I awoke to my roommate screaming in the bathroom. I could have run to her side or questioned the reason behind the shriek. Yet I chose to remain in bed thinking, “If she’s being murdered, she will scream again.” Fortunately, she had discovered a millipede and not a murderer. At least I didn’t pee in her clean clothes.

Maria is certain her parents pay her roomies to live with her, but she’s sure glad they do. Send your roommate woes or appreciations to Maria at mdw49@pitt.edu.