Don’t worry about faking it, just do it

Dear Tony,

A male friend of mine was boasting about how many times his girlfriend has an… Dear Tony,

A male friend of mine was boasting about how many times his girlfriend has an orgasm during intercourse. A female friend and I suggested to him that she may have been putting on a performance to stroke his ego. We went on to tell him he is not alone and that several ladies fake it for various reasons. Sometimes we’re tired. Sometimes we don’t want our male partners to feel worthless. Whatever the reason, I assured him that she must have been acting for at least 80 percent of those moans, screams and shivers. Of course, he got upset, but being the clever young man he is, he posed this question to me that I am now posing to you: If she (and we’ll let “she” be a symbol for women who fake orgasms) has been faking it, how can a guy know when he’s really got the job done? (He said that a simple “You just know” would not suffice.)

-Vice President and member of Faking Females Anonymous (FFA)

Don’t worry girls; it’s OK to fake. After all, women just aren’t going to come every time they have sex, or even necessarily any time they have sex, so really there’s no reason to try at all. Also, it’s best to start losing sexual respect for the guy you’re involved with as soon as possible. If you start lying to him the first time you sleep together, it’ll be easier to lie to him about the inevitable and frequent cheating you pursue in search of a man who can satisfy you. Go on; dig those shallow graves.

Some people just come easier than others. Some people are just loud in bed. Now, you asked on behalf of that friend if there’s a way to tell if a woman’s really coming. Well, any woman can fake the act, from a moan to the flutter. Don’t wrap yourself up in walking down this path, dude. You can’t know what she’s feeling; all you can do is do what you can to be good in bed. If she’s faking it now, do what it takes to make sure she won’t be tomorrow.

Girls, let him know what you want. Don’t drop the old “It all feels good, baby” line. Let him know what feels best. Guys, you can’t just blame the girls either. Be guys; don’t be so soft and sensitive. Accept that you’re not King Kong, stop wallowing and get better. Also, don’t go all scattershot, jumping from technique to technique and never letting her build. She’s going to take a little time; it’s about stamina, man. Be patient and change your performance as she responds, but don’t just give up if she’s not breaking after 20 seconds.

Women are different — from men and from each other. Pick this specific girl’s lock. Don’t just try to get her to that distant orgasmic destination. Tumble one barrier at a time. First get her moaning then get her sweating. Next get her begging, then get her thrusting, and so on. Spend some real time working her up– manually, orally, verbally, whatever — and then penetrate.

Getting her to touch herself in front of you is a great teaching method. Don’t make it clinical, just make it part of foreplay and see how she moves. Get behind her and have her guide your hand. Try new positions and work with the clitoris, but don’t get her too sore. Keep the lights on. Be clear with each other. Communicate. Take constructive criticism. Ask questions — verbally and physically.

If in the end it still isn’t working, cut the line. A lot of sex is mental, and no technique can break through certain barriers with certain people. Guys, don’t make this atmosphere of pressure. Don’t turn into some pansy who spends every night on his knees desperately looking up into the cold, bored eyes of his girlfriend.

Now, to finally answer that question, there are two ways I know of to be sure you’ve made a woman come. One: you hit the para-urethral gland, aka the Grafenburg Spot. It takes some practice and doesn’t always work, but if you rub it right and continue applying pressure while she’s spasming in orgasm, you’ll get this reverberation and she’ll ejaculate. You can’t deny it when it happens to you, and now she won’t be able to either. Two: She tries to sleep with you again. It’s that simple. She’s not stupid; she knows what feels good, and she knows not every guy can get her off, so she’ll want to do you again. Don’t lie to yourself; hard and multiple orgasms are always convincing arguments.

E-mail your quirky inquiries to sex@pittnews.com.