Emily Post’s very polite guide to rounding third base

I’m thrilled to see that everyone’s first week has gone so well — no heartaches, no… I’m thrilled to see that everyone’s first week has gone so well — no heartaches, no wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am moments masquerading as intercourse, no torrid and quixotic dry-humping on frat hill being interrupted by someone demanding your beloved to do the time-honored first beer bong of the year. Outstanding.

I’m assuming all of this to be factual since no one has written to Anthony or me quite yet. However, I’m not going to fret about this; the questions will come. It’s only the first of 16 weeks of the semester; there are about 30,000 students, and an infinite amount of relationship and intimacy angst.

You just wait, dearest friend, you’re bound to interact with someone who is “just so confused about what she wants” and hasn’t yet fine-tuned her oral technique on her local grocer’s produce. Or someone who needs a map, a state-of-the-art anatomical Global Positioning System device and Sherlock Holmes himself to find the clitoris. Many of them exist, and I regretfully inform you that the statistics are not in your favor.

Since I haven’t a question to answer, I will bestow a lesson of oral etiquette and proper comportment whether being the gratifier or gratified — think of me as Emily Post, rounding third base.

A wise person once said that cleanliness is next to godliness. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that, but I do think that clean genitals are good genitals — and good genitals have fun on the weekends; bad genitals do not.

While it may not be practical to carry a loofah and fragrant soap when you think there is a chance that you will be receiving oral sex, there are cleansing wipes that come in individual packets. These are quite convenient to keep in a compartment in your purse or clutch. Gentleman, you sweat, and, needless to say, sweat doesn’t smell good; these wipes that I speak of would also do wonders for you.

Oh, and one last word about hair care down there — manscape it, or else we’ll get the hedge-clippers. It’s not just for metrosexuals anymore. It’s required.

The next issue being addressed should not be something I need to say, and will not be thoroughly discussed. Shame on you, and may ghastly oral karma hit you like a ton of bricks if you don’t already do this — reciprocity. In other words, (insert big smile here) “it’s your turn.”

There is currently a lot of debate about what’s appropriate after one performs a blowjob. Simple answer, it’s his/her discretion. I feel this is overshadowing a much more imperative issue: the post-orgasmic kiss.

Ah yes, I think at some point or another we have all laid in our beds savoring our orgasms when s/he came up from between our legs and looked at us like a puppy after retrieving a stick from a game of fetch. Those big eyes, that ardent look, those sodden lips that have just spend the past 15 to 30 minutes between your legs. Cue the uncomfortable laugh, the instantaneous recoil and the desperate search to find something to wipe his/her mouth with.

There are certain things that can be done to avoid this awkward moment. When performing oral sex, one’s mouth tends to get dry. Keeping a glass of water (or a can of beer, whatever) not only quenches your thirst during your performance but can also be used as a rinse.

And wipe that mouth! If you don’t have a towel available, use an old t-shirt or at least the sheets. Ladies, I’m sure his sheets aren’t clean to begin with; doing this will give him a sense of urgency to do bed laundry.

Another thing: The general consensus of the gentleman with whom I’ve addressed this issue said that a mouth that had semen in it should be wiped with much greater urgency than one that merely just had a penis in it. Of course, if you’re in a relationship, there’s probably a greater sense of comfortableness, so these rules may not pertain to you.

Now that we’re all a little more courtly and genteel, remember that hot little thing you saw in the quad last week? Put your spanking new manners into good use and go get ’em, tiger.

Got a sex question? E-mail Liz at sex@pittnews.com.