Smile for the camera and give Big Brother a hug

The camera hovering high above Downtown Pittsburgh turns its voyeuristic eye toward North… The camera hovering high above Downtown Pittsburgh turns its voyeuristic eye toward North Oakland as I exit the shower, unaware that the lens is doing its part to fight terror.

The camera zooms in, studying me for signs of evil, but I am relaxed and supportive. Big Brother has arrived in Pittsburgh, violating my privacy, but if it will spread freedom 15, 16 or 17 — depending on my mood — inches further across the globe, my personal exposure is worth it.

So, Dubya, here’s your money shot. According to an article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, close to $496,000 in anti-terrorism grant money will come in the form of a brand-spanking-new robotic camera surveillance system to dot the rooftops of Pittsburgh’s skyscrapers. The camera features terrorist-zappin’ zoom capabilities that will allow the U.S. Justice Department to watch our facial expressions, license plate numbers and whether or not we look like we might hijack an airplane or two.

While many see this technological advance as an Orwellian violation of privacy, I welcome Big Brother into my life with open arms. I’ve never had an older sibling. I hear they’re nice. Maybe I can ask him for advice on girls. “Big Brother, why is my ex-girlfriend all crazy in the head?”

Big Brother tells me it’s because she prays to the wrong god.

Big Brother’s Iraq-liberating optical features should allow us to combat evil in the most effective way possible: Looking down totally stacked girls’ tops! Babe-a-licous! Hey baby, I’d like to liberate your country. Boo-yah!

Just think, the city is going to have to have someone watching these cameras and, given today’s economy, it’s not going to pay them a single nickel above minimum wage to do it, so that means it’s going to be horny, overweight, wife-beater-wearing, old, stinky men. What do crazy, old men do when they get a video camera and women in any general direction? They videotape ’em! Par-tay! “Girls Gone Wild: Pittsburgh” all up in our houses, thanks to big John Ashcroft. And I thought he was afraid of breasts.

I can’t wait for some super-brainy CMU kid to hack into the crazy camera system and put it on his personal Web site all webcam-style. Then, when I log onto www.pittsburghpeeper.com, I can check out some hot chicks and hot guys, maybe a homeless man urinating on a hooker, possibly my erect penis … you know, whatever’s on.

Since there will be multiple cameras on multiple buildings, I can channel surf all over the city. Once I get my TiVo all primed, I’ll instant message links to my main dogs, all while keeping an eye on the pie. It will be so tight I’ll need lube.

Have I done my daily patriotic duty of proclaiming how much I hate terrorists? If any of President George W. Bush’s terror-ending cameras catch brown people that technically might not be terrorists — but we should totally watch them to be extra kind of sure — the president himself should be able to push a button and shoot them with laser beams, if they so much as “Allah” anything. That way, we can get all the terrorists out of Pittsburgh and not hurt any innocent people in the process. Go, laser beams, go!

I’m so glad that Pittsburgh is participating in this nationwide program because it will make me sleep easier in my bed each night, after saying my prayers to the correct deity. I sure hope that Big Brother doesn’t take the bottom bunk, because the top bunk always makes me nervous. Either way, he’ll stop the terrorists from winning, which is so ultra-American-important!

And if you don’t feel the same way, I’ll turn you in.

David J. McCarthy wants Sam Anderson to come back to Pittsburgh. Come back too at liveinsummer@hotmail.com.