Friend to boyfriend transition treacherous

Hi. OK, so I know that every girl has that one guy she’s totally in love with … and he’s her… Hi. OK, so I know that every girl has that one guy she’s totally in love with … and he’s her best friend. I am one of those girls. But this time, he feels the same way. We’re the perfect couple. We get along great and never stay angry at each other. It’s great except every time we get down to it, we can’t. We can’t even kiss because it’s too awkward. What should I do? — Friend without Benefits

A soft sex column — I guess there’s a time for everything.

Now, I feel for you. I understand that this means something to you, but this is why no one should have a best friend of the opposite sex. I just wish your “boyfriend” had written in; I’d straighten his ass out.

We have people we’re friendly with, we have our friends, and we have our best friend. That group of friends can, and should, include some guys if you’re a woman, and vice versa for a man. It’s always good to just spend some real time with people of the opposite sex; it makes you better around the whole gender and a more complete person in general.

This is also a pool you can work from — people you like and can hook up with, if you want. If anything goes badly — it really shouldn’t — you can enlist someone from the group of people you’re friendly with, and, there you go: a new friend. Yeah, it’s not always about sex, but there’s the potential, and there’s a fun amount of tension.

Now, sometimes your best friend will do something really cold, something unforgivable, and you’ll have to drop them forever. Or maybe you just go to different colleges and grow apart. Regardless, you had to dip into that pool of friends for a new best friend, and that friend was of the other gender. This is how it usually happens, and, well, you just can’t let it happen — it’s too late for you, but not all the other readers.

This situation is so common it’s almost a rite of passage. Like she said, almost everyone, especially women, goes through something like this at one point or another, and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen when you’re in a new place, with new people and a lot of alcohol.

It’s going to happen here or, if it started in high school, it’s going to end here too.

Don’t get confused. You’re tightest with your best friend, tighter than with any fleeting boyfriend or girlfriend (and you should be), and that’s largely because there’s no sex to play with your head. Yeah, yeah, some girls get drunk and fool around with their female friends and female best friends, but that’s different, since they’re usually not gay. But when you introduce sex, it just goes bad.

You’ve never been so tight with a guy as you are with this one, so you say, “Hey, I must love him.” He goes out and hooks up with a load of girls — since he has you for female emotional companionship — and jealousy sets in. Your signals get crossed. You’ve spent so much time as a woman that you forget that you shouldn’t look at him as a man. If you do that, though, he’ll fall for you.

So you say, “Why’s my best friend spending time with and showing affection for these sluts and not me? I’m a girl….”

Sound familiar?

Really, I’m surprised you haven’t hooked up yet. It’s better that you haven’t, because if you do, things will get crossed again. First, it’ll feel like you’re banging your brother. That’s real bad. That’s why things haven’t gotten past a kiss. Did moving into that failed kiss feel hot? No, it didn’t. If it did, you would’ve slept together. And even if you did, where would it go? What, are you going to get married? Come on, now.

It’s going to go badly; relationships with so much emotion and so many preconceptions always do. You’ll be out a partner, and worse, you’ll be out a best friend.

Cool off, and if you do get on each other, stay cool. Don’t let your head play with you. Also, unless — but even if — he’s said it, don’t assume he feels the same way. The better angels of a best friend’s nature — unwavering loyalty, confidence, humility, and honesty — aren’t known for breeding lust, even if tension is. Don’t work him into a corner. One person always feels stronger than the other in these things.

Just stay cool. Everything’s fine. You’re still friends, and it’s great. Keep it that way.

E-mail Tony at sex@pittnews.com.