Hey, beer man, click

Lewis Black, a well-known, rambunctious comedian, who often appears on Comedy Central’s “The… Lewis Black, a well-known, rambunctious comedian, who often appears on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” once said he had seen the end of the universe and it was in Houston. It’s located at a small shopping center where there is a Starbucks, and right across the road from that Starbucks is another Starbucks.

As true as his statement may be, I’ll now have to disagree with him.

The end of the universe is now in San Francisco, where the Giants will offer instant replay at the fans’ liking.

The stadium, SBC Park, is already technologically advanced, so fans can bring their laptops to the game and plug in to the Internet. Now fans will be able to click and view replays whenever they want.

Bill Schlough, vice president and chief information officer of the Giants, said in a statement on ESPN.com that about 100 fans are already bringing their laptops to the game. They check e-mail or the status of other games playing at that time.

Also on the list for the future is interactive beer vendors. No more large, boisterous men walking up and down the aisles shouting, “Ice cold beer.”

Your favorite beverage or food will only be a quick click away and delivered right to your seat.

How luxurious.

“Excuse me sir,” I say to the man seated next to me at SBC Park. “I seem to have missed the last play because of a plethora of pop-ups that interrupted my ordering of food.”

And God forbid you lose your Internet connection right in the middle of ordering food.

Did my order go through? Should I order again? Don’t want two orders of chili dogs coming my way.

Has it really come to this? Have we, as Americans, become so lazy that we can’t even use the energy to say, “Hey, beer man.”

I know I’m pretty bad when it comes to the remote control for the television, but is this the end of the universe?

Besides mistakes with food orders, there is one other aspect that has not been discussed — security.

You can’t even take a hoagie into Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia; now you’re going to bring laptops? The lines to get into the stadiums will be enormous and never ending.

As a member of the press, I know what it is like to take a computer, or any electronic device, into a game. You have to take it out of its case, turn it on and show the guard that it is an operational electronic device. Reason being, it could be a hollow shell casing a dangerous weapon. That process takes about two minutes. Let’s use a sold-out baseball game as an example and multiply the two minutes by about 40,000 fans. That’s an American Idol-tryout-sized line I’m talking about. Forget about it if the president is throwing out the first pitch.

Maybe you’ll be able to connect to the Internet while waiting in that line to get into the stadium. I sure hope you can, because if you’re late to the game, you can watch the live streaming broadcast and click on the instant replays as you make your way to your seat.

And that just makes you wonder why you’re paying money for a ticket when your television and Internet connection at home offer the same high-tech features. Well, minus the food thing, unless your wife really loves you.

Ballgames are supposed to be viewed from the edge of your seat, with a hot dog in one hand and an ice-cold beverage in the other. It’s not necessary to have a laptop, but that’s just a part of this on-demand world we are living in today.

Oh, the future is so close.

I can see it now.

A random usher walks up to me as I stare at my laptop screen, sitting in my $32 third base-line seats.

“Ah, sir,” he says, clearing his throat. “Game’s been over for half an hour. You’re gonna have to leave now.”

“Yes, I know, but I’m still watching replays, checking my e-mail, and waiting on my two chili dogs I ordered in the seventh inning.”

Jimmy Johnson is the assistant sports editor of The Pitt News, and, at this rate, robots will write everything for him as he lazily orders another robot to bring him a chili dog. You can send your orders to him at Jimmysjargon@yahoo.com.