What a quest to find a cap that is more than just a hat

It dawned on me one day that I need another hat. While getting a new hat is a simple task for… It dawned on me one day that I need another hat. While getting a new hat is a simple task for most people, I will put more thought into this purchase than I did for my last nine final exams. Some people believe they understand why selecting the right hat is so important to me. They believe I want the object concealing my baldness to be the perfect cover — it’s like a toupee with just a touch of class.

Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s possible I might only wear this hat once — it’s like women and shoes. I just need another hat. I don’t even like wearing new hats. I like hats that look dirty and beat-up. New hats look nice, but I hate wearing them because once they are placed on a head, they immediately go from that great new cap look to that terrible, slightly used cap look. It takes at least six months to get a hat dirty and worn enough for my liking.

For example, I’ve been working on my Franklin and Marshall College hat for nearly four years. I received the hat when I was a senior in high school for reviewing college Web sites at a conference at F’M. I don’t care much for the Dips, and never expected that this hat would become the most storied hat of my life.

During my freshman year at Pitt, I forgot the hat in my College of Business Administration orientation class. I got it back the next week from the professor with a coffee stain on it. I forgot it in another class a semester or two later. A friend saw it and recognized it as mine more than a month later when the two of us attended the class at the same time again. The hat was returned, and I went on to tragically lose it at least two more times. I believe one time it was stolen and peed on. It’s the second-dirtiest cap I’ve ever owned.

In fact, the only thing wrong with my hat is the brim. It just won’t tear along the front of the brim — the perfect sign of a well-worn hat. I’ve been tempted to take sandpaper to it. I even bought the sandpaper once, but the one man who understands the beauty of a good hat like I do, talked me out of it. I’m now ashamed of that time, and hope to never mention it again.

What all this brings me to is that it takes a long time to get a hat to the condition I like. My F’M hat may be the only baseball cap I really feel comfortable wearing. My F’M hat seems to always find a way back to me, but I worry that someday it won’t find its way back. After writing this, it also makes the hat a prime target for being kidnapped. So, I need to start dedicating time to another hat.

Last year, I selected a St. Louis Cardinals hat because I had never owned a red hat before, but it didn’t work out. I’m turning to blue. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a blue hat, but I’m rather excited about owning one. I just can’t pick one. I want it to have a baseball team logo, but I have made some eliminations: The Blue Jays because they play in the same division as my beloved losers and the Expos, Cubs, and Mets for reasons I am not disclosing.

I almost decided on an old-school Brewers hat with the yellow outline of a baseball glove and a baseball. However, I want to keep my options open, so I’m also considering a Los Angeles Dodgers hat and a Kansas City Royals hat.

I am working on a pros and cons list. I like the Dodgers hat because of their rivalry with the Yankees, Jackie Robinson and Orel Hershiser. However, L.A. is too trendy and filled with pop culture. A Royals hat would be good because they have a rivalry with the Yankees and George Brett was awesome, but the rivalry has dwindled to almost nothing since the late 70s, and selecting two Missouri hats in a row lacks variety. Any help with this difficult decision would be greatly appreciated.

You can let Christian know what you thought of this column. Be sure to misspell words and identify yourself as a graduate student when you write to emailchristian@hotmail.com.