EDITORIAL- Dull and duller: Debate needs better rules

Before the debate between President George W. Bush and Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry in… Before the debate between President George W. Bush and Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry in Miami on Thursday, both candidates agreed to a 32-page set of rules that restrict where they will stand, where their families will sit and what they will say — they can’t quiz each other on their stances, making us wonder why they’re having a debate at all.

This “memo of understanding” is designed to eliminate surprises and make the debate predictable. But people don’t want predictable. Lulling viewers into a drooling stupor is no way to get voters involved. Instead, they’ll disengage from politics, saying that politics are boring. This reaction is counterproductive in a debate designed to inform people about current issues affecting their lives.

Since an entertained viewer is more likely to actively engage in politics, we at The Pitt News have come up with a few suggestions for making Thursday’s debate more exciting:

Rather than donning the blue-suit-red-tie-boring-belt-and-shoes uniform politicians favor, the candidates should wear suspenders — extra points if they’re sparkly. And instead of boring ties, Kerry should don a tie-dye tie, and Bush a Texas lariat tie.

Instead of the sedate walk to the podiums with the clenched grins and limp handshake, candidates should duck-walk out and slap a big, presidential high-five.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, Bush and Kerry should hold hands during their opening remarks, pausing only to slap additional high-fives when one makes a good point.

Before the debate portion begins, each candidate must spin around on a baseball bat a la “Wild ‘ Crazy Kids” and then run around his podium three times.

During the question and answer section, every third question that they are asked should be answered in the form of a question. For each mistake a candidate makes, they should be assessed a 10-yard penalty; for each point he makes, he should do a touchdown completion dance.

Additionally, in this section, the candidates should discuss values issues, like gay marriage and abortion, using only quotes from “Dirty Dancing.”

Also, instead of closing remarks, which just summarize what’s already been said, the debate should have a talent portion, in which the candidates engage in a dance-off competition. Points should be awarded for style and best incorporation of foreign policy into the routines; points should be taken away for any mention of the word “lockbox.”

We sincerely hope the debate’s organizers and the candidates take these suggestions under advisement. The presidential debates, while dull, over-regulated and predictable, are the best forums the candidates have for articulating their platforms. And they’d be even better if they had more high-fiving.