Drop the Playboy pixels and get a real woman

What do you feel about animated video game characters appearing nude in Playboy? — Concerned… What do you feel about animated video game characters appearing nude in Playboy? — Concerned Citizen

Citizen is asking about the October issue, which hit my box Sept. 11. Well, first I’m going to say that in these days of Internet porn, you subscribe to Playboy for the novelty, the charm and, yes, the articles — not just the nudity. I guess it makes sense to throw in some silicone after all the silicone Playboy’s had in it.

And besides, Hef’s always given us the unattainable. The man started with Marilyn Monroe in that first issue, and now every model we get has been airbrushed and buffed to the nines: firm, even skin; toned and supple, but undefined flesh; and always smiling. I guess this is as far as Hugh can go in giving the reader what he can’t have: women who don’t exist.

Now, when I was a kid, 11 or 12, the first “Tomb Raider” came out. I had some fun with Lara Croft back then, but by the time the third game was on the shelf — the one where you could make her crawl around like a dog — well, between us, I kind of lost interest. What’s the point of being attracted to something — not someone — that doesn’t have a body, something you can’t ever run yours hands over?

It’s useless; it’s like asking questions in a letter. That’s the antithesis of Playboy’s charm, which is the tease. More than most magazines, Playboy knows how to make the reader feel familiar with a sweet, barely legal, doe-eyed 10.0 and her pumped-up DDs.

Take the Playmate Data Sheet, the form where each month’s centerfold talks about her innocent ambitions, her ideal first dates and what she’s a sucker for.

The rub is that every data sheet’s the same. Playboy found the best blend of naughty, submissive and girl-next-door a long time ago, and they’ve held onto it. Every girl likes a sense of humor, the beach and Chinese take-out. They’re girls with whom the reader has a chance. There’s not usually much in there about money, being hung like an ox and not living in the basement. They use exclamation points to end their lines and usually punctuate them with hearts. Take Kim Holland, Miss October. The girl’s from Humble, Texas. ‘Nuff said.

Now, I’m a man; I’m not going to lie and tell you that this topless, redhead, vampire, video-game chick (measurements: 36-22-36, favorite food: blood sausage) doesn’t turn me on.

But so what? A lot of women can turn me on. Why get all excited about some video-game model when you’ve got so many other options? Forget the magazine; look how many options you have in life. This October issue — look at the cover. The largest font reads, “College Girls Nude, ACC Coeds Go Wild.” The centerfold goes to school in Houston, six pages are devoted to the college fiction contest, and there’s a nine-page spread on college fashion.

Drop the magazine and definitely drop the animated piece of ass. Living, pulsing women are all around you. Look, there’s one now. There’s another one!

Playboy and video games are great fantasies, but they are fantasies. Eva Herzagova on the page doesn’t stand up to a single curious, breathing woman in life. Yeah, they’re not Playmates, but if you’re beating it to some PlayStation chick, I’m betting you ain’t Hef — and selling your Magic cards might help you toward that goal of a real, live woman.

Besides, like the ad on page 152 says, “They’re amateurs. They try harder.” Sure, Ms. Bloodrayne is never going to get drunk and start crying about her childhood or kiss you after secretly going down on your roommate. But the catch is you’re never going to get her. Besides, what kind of idiot wants to get it on with a bloodsucker? Women have enough teeth as it is. That’s just stupid.

Tony is a sex columnist for The Pitt News. E-mail him at sex@pittnews.com.