Instead of beauty pageants, sanity pageants

Attention, young women: Do you need scholarship money? All you have to do is model yourself… Attention, young women: Do you need scholarship money? All you have to do is model yourself after the ideal American woman.

She can sing and play the piano, she wants world peace and she looks great in a bikini, all while pursuing a college education. According to the Miss America Organization, this is what young American women should strive for in life.

The Miss America pageant celebrated its 83rd year this weekend by making changes to the show in order to make it more appealing to a reality TV-obsessed viewing audience. They dramatically cut the talent section, since past ratings have shown that no one really cares about the baton twirling. They signed on Clay Aiken and “The Bachelor” host Chris Harrison as co-hosts, to give the needed male commentary.

And finally, they signed a two-year contract with Speedo, who will now provide the contestants with two-piece swimsuits made from SpeedoSculpture, “an exclusive sensual power fabric that sculpts, supports and defines the body.”

The Miss America Organization claims that the swimsuit competition is essential to judging the athletic ability of the contestants. Miss Utah, winner of this year’s swimsuit competition, stated, “I’ve come to believe that the competition is more then just being physically fit, but also how you present yourself to the audience.” Apparently, modeling is now an athletic sport.

Instead of the normal elimination rounds, the final two contestants squared off in a head-to-head competition of wits — a U.S. history pop quiz — and talent. The winner, Miss Alabama, is an aspiring doctor who will receive a $50,000 scholarship and potentially $200,000 worth of revenue for special appearances during her reign. Miss America is one of the world’s largest scholarship providers, giving away about $45 million in cash and tuition assistance last year alone.

My proposal: Instead of providing scholarship money to only beautiful women, the Miss America pageant should reform itself further to find a true Miss America.

For the talent portion, the women should be given a list of tasks to complete in one week’s time, such as volunteering, cleaning their apartment, taking a leadership role in a student organization and working on their senior thesis, all while taking 18 credits at a university and working part-time. Contestants will be judged based on their sanity at the end of the week.

The bikini competition will be nixed, since only about two percent of American women would be comfortable and happy prancing around in a bikini that doubles as dental floss. To truly judge athletics, contestants will square off against each other in the sport of their choice. Ideally, the women will get sweaty and dirty, like athletes. Who ever thought sports would be a good way to judge athleticism?

Finally, instead of a pop quiz on U.S. history or vague questions about changing the world, contestants will be asked to write a 30-page research project on a problem they see in society, such as poor public schools or environmental destruction. The conclusion of the research project will be an outline of how, as Miss America, they would attempt to begin or add to the process of solving the problem.

Maybe, after all these reforms, little girls watching the Miss America competition will grown up thinking that they can accomplish anything they want, instead of growing up wanting only to be awarded for being beautiful. Maybe even grown-up American women, who, on a daily basis, harshly judge their own hair, makeup and waistline while accomplishing many great things in their lives, will start feeling better about themselves.

As radical of a thought as it is, maybe we shouldn’t judge women based on their looks anymore.

E-mail Jen Stephan jls259@pitt.edu, but only if you’re pretty.