The Senior Circle gives freshmen friends and seniors food

Every so often, some loser who’s trying to secure a place on this particular publication or on… Every so often, some loser who’s trying to secure a place on this particular publication or on the Student Government Board will claim that he or she has the ultimate solution to make Pitt the best place for students in the world. It turns out to be a stupid idea, the person gets press or gets elected anyway, and everyone has a good laugh.

But I’ve found it, the solution, the actual thing that will drastically improve Pitt students’ lives.

Behold: The Senior Circle.

Here’s how it works: Seniors — or any upperclassmen who live off-campus and have no meal plan — eventually get hungry. When that happens, and they are broke, as Pitt students so often are, normally they just go hungry or eat more ramen. But, under my revolutionary new system, my comrades, there is a better way.

Leaving the ramen — no matter how gloriously proletarian — behind, the upperclassmen go to an accepted area near a University eatery, let’s say the couches outside The Marketplace/Eddie’s, or the area in front of the bathrooms by Schenley Cafe. They stand there, possibly with some sign or item denoting their hunger.

Enter the freshman. Burdened with so many extra blocks and dining dollars that he or she could never hope to spend them all, the freshman — or any underclassman with a meal plan — normally resorts to buying incredibly large quantities of iced tea or Dole fruit juice.

Now, though, every freshman with an extra block or two makes a point to walk by the Senior Circle and look for hungry people to feed with his or her surplus Sodexho token money. Pitt can be a lonely, intimidating place at first, and an older friend, wiser in the ways of socializing and academia, could be of great value to a young Pitt student. And plus, what the hell do they have to lose? It’s not like they were using those extra 39 bottles of lemonade, anyway.

Now, where at one point we had a hungry senior and an over-hydrated freshman, we have two new buddies who are both as fed on chicken fingers as any could ever dream of: comrades in food, so to speak.

The freshman has made an older friend, who can share advice about the world and the workings of Pitt. The senior gains a protege, someone onto whom he or she can pass knowledge and leave a legacy. She or he can possibly let the freshman in on things only people of a certain age and experience know about, and can arrange to trade wisdom for his chicken sandwich. Sodexho gets less free money and maybe will learn to pay its employees a living wage.

Who would not benefit this system?

It’s perfect. Everyone wins. Pitt becomes a better place. No one has to pay anything.

I imagine, at first, there will be some trepidation about implementing this system. Seniors will be embarrassed to shout at nearby freshmen that they need food. Freshmen might get scared of older people, and be too intimidated to help. We must resist these impulses, friends, and strive onward toward the greater good of alleviated hunger and increased companionship.

To help this process, I offer The Pitt News Web site as a place to organize; use the feedback forum to plan places. Further, I propose we set up a chat room of the people — HungryPittStudents2k4? — and, at all hours, hungry seniors and lonely, underage freshmen can unite and share the bliss of a personal pan pizza or all-you-can-eat pasta.

We need more than extra dining dollars, friends, we need a permanent dining hall revolution, a way to make the system work for us. I’ve already consulted with some others, and we will be there, offering food and begging for blocks. Find us, and join the fight.

Together, united, we can make Pitt a better place.

Greg Heller-LaBelle is the editor in chief of The Pitt News.