Welcome to Pitt: Now let’s talk about sex, baby – “She Said”

So you made it to college. Congratulations and kudos for a superb high school academic… So you made it to college. Congratulations and kudos for a superb high school academic performance. You’ve partaken in all of the teary and ultra-sappy, emotional good-byes, bought the proper dorm supplies, dumped the high school boyfriend/girlfriend — shame on you if you haven’t yet — and assured mommy and dad that everything is going to be just fine. Now you are in college, and the fun begins.

Welcome to hedonism, kids.

All right, all right … so I exaggerated a bit. You will certainly embark on plenty of sexual endeavors that will not result in the epitome of gratification and bliss. In fact, you travel a bumpy, little road on the way to finding the perfect guy/gal, position, novelty device, kink or any other quirk that makes your toes curl and your breathing quite labored.

Yes, unfortunately perils abound. Lucky for you, you have two allies at The Pitt News to help you along the way: me, of course, and Anthony, my ever-so-clever co-conspirator. Prepare to be charmed.

I want to hear about what is going on behind closed doors in your college dorm or your bravura South Oakland estate’s bedroom — though not in a sick, heavy-breather kind of way. But if your sick, heavy breathing is the cause of a sexual conundrum, by all means, ask away.

So this is how the process goes: You venture forth into the world of O-town, you do whatever you do to maximize your sexual satisfaction, something goes awry in your conquest, and you find yourself in quite the predicament. Whatever shall you do? You write to Anthony or me. Don’t worry; we don’t want your names. You just e-mail us your question with a fake e-mail address — not a requirement, but if it helps you sleep better at night, so be it. One of us bestows our sexual acumen, and voila, your carnal inquiry is resolved. Okay, so it may not be that easy, but rest assured, we’ll do our best to help you.

Now it’s disclaimer time: I’m but a mere junior in college. I have no medical expertise, so there are some things that I cannot help you with. Possible scenario: You had a night o’ fun that consisted of two cases of Pabst, 3 a.m. “O” fries, and that hot, little number whose low-rise jeans were three sizes too small. You wake up the next morning hung over, and Sandy or Brandy or whatever the hell her name was has gone and been replaced by a nasty little rash on your nether regions. I can speculate and say that your friend may have given you something that will be less than enjoyable, but I can’t diagnose, sorry. All I can say is: Don’t drink Pabst anymore; that may have been your initial problem.

What kind of topics will we possibly discuss? That is entirely up to you. Some possibilities could be: Do porn, couples and the bedroom go together? Which sex toy will work best for you? Would a possible change in technique make him/her happier? Is he metro, questionable, pretty or just good, old-fashioned gay? What does his massive broadband plethora of porn say about him? Is she faking it, how can you tell, and will I actually tell you and sell out all womankind? Wait, ignore that last one.

So I invite you to write to me about your fetishes, kinks, bodily fluids and anything else that may elicit a “we’re friends but definitely not close enough to talk about that” look from your friends. It won’t deter me, and chances are, someone already asked me something stranger.

Have fun with all of the sexual adventures that may come your way. This is college, aka the absolute most enjoyable time in your life. If, along the way, you have a question of how to make the best of times possibly better, you know where to go.

E-mail Liz at sex@pittnews.com.