No more carbs, meat for the U.S.’s sakes

The United States is a nation of fear. Unfortunately, our nervousness regarding terrorism has… The United States is a nation of fear. Unfortunately, our nervousness regarding terrorism has spilled over into a new realm: health. From green onions causing Hepatitis A to outbreaks of Mad Cow disease, the media has caused this country to be afraid of food. Is the Bush Administration emphasizing these health hazards to battle obesity, an even greater threat to national security than Osama Bin Ladin?

As a tactic of psychological warfare, I think the government wants the population to stop eating altogether. Who’s afraid of a nation of big, fat slobs? Once we’re all slender, beautiful creatures of unilateral force, we will be unstoppable! Or that’s what the government has decided. Who needs food when you can gorge yourself on imperialism?

It all began with the unnaturally widespread coverage of the new no-carbohydrate diets. The media deified Dr. Robert Atkins, who preached about eating endless amounts of meat and cheese while forgoing such staples of the American diet as bread, potatoes and pastas. Grocery stores began stocking low-carb breads. McDonald’s added a low-carb section to its menu, mostly modified versions of meals already on the list, such as the bunless Big Mac. Unfortunately, months after the craze began, America was still a nation of big, fat slobs. Further action was required.

The war on vegetables began. An Atkins-like program, The South Beach Diet, charged tomatoes, carrots and corn with the same crimes as their starchy co-conspirators. And then an anthrax-like outbreak of Hepatitis A swept through Butler County. The culprit? A vegetable, of course. Green onions became America’s Most Wanted. After three people died and 640 became infected, a scallion boycott began. The powers that be were still unsatisfied, even after otherwise harmless vegetables were removed from our diets.

In response, the population dedicated itself to consuming massive amounts of meat. We were still a nation of big fat slobs. And so it was decided that meat would go the way of the scallion. In May, the media began covering Mad Cow outbreaks in Canada. Then the sneaky bastards crossed our notoriously lax border and started a splinter-cell in Washington. Fearing the brain-wasting illness that can possibly result from eating infected cows, people deemed beef the new carbohydrate. Seeking solace in protein, fish became a national symbol of freedom.

That is, until mercury toppled our faith in tuna. The Food and Drug Administration advised children and women of childbearing age to avoid the fish due to its high mercury content, which can cause brain, heart and nervous system damage. “But tuna doesn’t make people fat,” you protest. Ah, yes. But isn’t it strange that the government-funded FDA mentioned that light tuna contained less mercury than its not-very-light relative? In fact, doesn’t it sound like a conspiracy to destroy big, fat slobs all across the country?

By the time the press leaked that butter might have dangerous amounts of PCBs in it, Americans didn’t care enough to even find out what PCBs were. What’s the use of butter with no bread to spread it on, no vegetables to saut