UPMC to expand glactically; Tower A busted for underagin’

Pitt to open UPMC Moon

Announcing a bold new step for spatial entrepreneurship, the… Pitt to open UPMC Moon

Announcing a bold new step for spatial entrepreneurship, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center will open a branch hospital on Earth’s Moon. Negotiations with the tiny green men in large suits who reside there began in early March, before the discovery of this solar system’s hottest new piece of property, the planetoid Sedna.

President George W. Bush, anticipating this bold move, complimented the innovators at UPMC in mid-January, saying, “I want to thank [those] who are with us, the courageous spatial enterprenners who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”

UPMC has opened branches in such exotic locales as South Side and Moon Township, Pa. Rumors are already circulating about Moon vs. Moon softball matches and astro-warfare, as well as plans for a new Pink Floyd album.

“We shall destroy them, them and their silly Earth softballs,” said Zargon, the human-alien relations director at UPMC Moon, speaking through an interpreter.

A representative from UPMC West, located in Moon Township, declined to comment, only shaking his fist upward, slowly upward at the sky.

Said Bush, “This is a great new step for Knowledge Town,” also speaking through an interpreter, who appeared to be using Microsoft Word’s grammar checker. When asked about the existence of the Moon, Condoleezza Rice, Bush’s National Security Advisor, declined to comment. “I would like nothing better than to comment, but it is not this administration’s policy to comment.”

Tower A cited for underage drinking

Pitt police cited Litchfield Tower A yesterday for underage drinking and possession of alcohol. Tower A was reportedly seen stumbling down Forbes Avenue, according to Towers B and C, who were with Tower A, but were not cited.

“Dude, A was so blasted,” said B. “It was just the drunkest [tower] I’ve ever seen, except Lothrop.” B also reported that A had thrown up into Panther Hollow before wandering towards Forbes Avenue.

“It wanted to get ‘O’ Fries. We were gonna split the large,” B said.

Tower C also noted, “Man, it threw up right after making fun of the Tower of Pisa, which is so ironic.”

When asked about how liquor may have been allowed to get to A, several guards commented that they didn’t know that A had beer in its backpack. A was reportedly found with several dozen cases of beer, hidden behind a mini-fridge.

According to B and C, A tried to beat the Breathalyzer test by ramming several large mints through its windows, injuring several students in the process.

Approximately 18,000 Pitt freshmen live in Tower A. Responding to this charge, one mother, who declined to identify her son, said, “Won’t somebody please think of the children, the children!”