Boys, leave the leash and stroller at home, please

If dogs could speak, they would look at their male owners and ask what were they thinking. If… If dogs could speak, they would look at their male owners and ask what were they thinking. If babies had fully developed motor skills, they would slap their father, brother, uncle or babysitter across the face.

Why do guys think their chances of getting laid, or at least getting a phone number, will increase with a dog or child by their side?

Perhaps they walk the dog or child in hopes that the innocent victim will fall helplessly onto her knees, begging to go on a date with this ?man.? Well, how manly are you if you have to get an innocent puppy or your sister?s baby to get a girl to go out with you?

I?m all worked up once again, and this time my situation has nothing to do with the lack of chivalry in Pittsburgh or men immaturely checking out lingerie. No, I?m rather perturbed after experiencing this male pick-up technique ? if that?s what you want to call it ? last weekend.

What appeared as a harmless enough encounter was more like a disguised ploy to get us to shack up with him. He had a ?Sparky? of his own to tempt my roommates and me to hold a meaningless conversation with him. He also had several dates on his mind.

The guy whose name fleetingly came and went from my mind that day proceeded to ask each of the four of us out. After the whole introductory stages of the conversation, he went straight for the kill. No charm whatsoever. Obviously, the poor guy couldn?t take a hint. He continued to make small talk over his dog with us.

To the guy whose name I no longer know ? though you have a cute dog, don?t think my girlfriends or I are tempted to run off into the sunset with you. We?d rather date your dog, or at least take him for a walk.

That afternoon, my girlfriends and I recapped similar circumstances in the past. We remembered hearing guy friends of ours taking their baby brothers or cousins with them to the mall to see if they could pick up a lady.

Guys, it?s hard enough taking care of you. Add to that a child, and I?m running ? no, sprinting ? out the nearest mall exit.

I say this to you, boys, and offer my advice to you, ladies, since it?s getting warmer outside. And that means leashes are going to be everywhere, and babies are going to be carried on shoulders and in strollers to do a guy?s dirty work.

Here?s my suggestion to both sexes: Ladies, keep your head held high, your eyes focused and your intuition strong. If the guy can?t come up with something more clever to say than, ?Do you like dogs?? keep walking. Chances are he?s already got his pockets filled with half a dozen other poor victims? numbers.

And as for you guys, why not come up with something creative to say? Don?t make your little 6-month-old cousin just be some cute prop for us to swoon over. If that?s the best pick-up you have, be careful of karma. In case you forgot, babies wear diapers.

So drop the act, boys. And don?t allow yourselves to be fooled, girls. All I know is when that nameless guy took his dog for a walk, he forgot the main tactic: charm.

And boys, if you don?t have it and you want us to ride off into the sunset with you, think about telling the dog to ?Go fetch? and bring a white horse instead.