Don’t be that guy: How to be a good roommate

Just months into the semester, charged arguments, passive-aggressive comments and snarky sticky-note messages make way for the opening shots of the roommate wars. 

“We definitely are at the end of the honeymoon period,” Luke Jennings, a resident assistant in Tower B, said of his residents. “I think its a 50/50 chance that the interactions will change.” 

The honeymoon period marks the beginning of a roommate relationship, platonic or otherwise, when the enthusiasm for the relationship trumps conflicts or disagreements. 

Your roommate keeps the light on? You can deal with that. 

As the enthusiasm begins to wane, the relationship between and among roommates can change as they grow accustomed to one another, their shared living space and their intractable habits.

Jennings, a sophomore pharmacy major, has yet to experience any major conflicts among his residents, but he worries that the mounting stress of the term could lead to tensions rising.

According to Pitt’s Housing Accommodations Brochure, there are 19 options available for on-campus housing. Of these 19 options, only six buildings have single rooms — two of these buildings have primarily single rooms. 

For those living off-campus, the price is often too high for just one resident to pay themselves. 

Resident Assistants participate in training sessions on communication, mediation and conflict resolution to prepare them to assist students with roommate issues Kathleen Kyle, assistant director of resident life, said in an email.

Kyle said the RAs also disseminate Roommate Agreements for students to complete. This document assists roommates in setting expectations in areas such as sharing personal items, guests, noise levels and sleeping times.

According to Kyle, in the event of an issue in the room, the RA can use the Roommate Agreement to assist in reviewing existing expectations and setting new ones if necessary. 

If the roommates cannot compromise and living together is not working, a room change request can be submitted through the Resident Director to Panther Central. 

“They did a good job of training us and preparing us to deal with certain situations,” Jennings said. “Because they wanted us to know that changing roommates was a last resort.” 

Kyle said room changes don’t happen very often.

Here are the top three tips on how to be a good roommate, according to Pitt students and their experiences. 

1. Don’t forget to shower. 

When a roommate decides to forgo personal hygiene, at some point, even air fresheners lose their magic.

Andrew Resek, a junior mechanical engineer, watched his relationship with his roommate deteriorate over lack of cleanliness. 

“Basically, a few months into the semester, he decided to stop showering or doing his laundry. He started to smell,” Resek said. “He smelled so bad that you could smell it from the hallway on the opposite side of the floor.”

Roommate communication, resident assistant intervention and a suggestively placed air freshener collection made no difference in his showering habits. It required the influence of an outside force. 

Eventually Resek called his roommate’s mom, who came to the dorm and  and made her son shower and wash his clothes. 

After the surprise visit, he started to shower occasionally but, according to Resek, not quite consistently enough. 

Resek said theyrarely interacted after that incident.

2. Work on the relationship.

Amanda Forest, assistant professor in the psychology department, said roommates have to be careful to avoid falling into the mundane routine of class, work, chores, sleep, repeat. 

“The same things that work for making friends, or making connections with your family, applies to your roommate,” Forest said. “Do fun things. Share positive events. Know what’s going on in their day.”

For Shea McMurtry, a sophomore rehabilitation sciences major, said the lack of social connection eventually pushed her roommate away.

“I got a text over fall break that said ‘I’m leaving. It’s not you, it’s the floor,’” McMurtry said.

Her roommate had decided to leave their Tower A double for a single room in Tower C. 

According to McMurtry, the two spent time together at the beginning of the semester, but, as McMurtry continued to make friends, her roommate moved in the opposite direction.

“She went home almost every weekend. On weekdays, she stayed in bed all day and watched Netflix. She was very antisocial,” McMurtry said. “The other girls described her as the ‘weakest link’ [of the floor].”

Once McMurtry got a new roommate the following semester, she realized how nice it was to spend time with the person she was sharing her space with. 

Forest said this type of reaction is normal, and, although not all roommates are best friends, a good roommate relationship is a chance for both people to grow and improve themselves.

“There’s this thing called self-expansion, where people are motivated to expand themselves through their relationships with other people,” Forest said. “You do this by doing fun, novel, exciting things with one another.”

Jennings experienced some personal growth when he let his roommate freshman year introduce him to new TV shows.

“If my roommate was watching a show when I came in, I would just watch it with him, because I wasn’t going to do my homework anyway. It was a cool experience to have,” Jennings said. 

3. Speak up.

Jennings said that, as a resident assistant, his first step in dealing with a conflict is to have the roommates communicate with him and with one another. 

“It’s good just to get how they feel out in the open,” Jennings said. “Most of the time, residents don’t even know they’re doing something that bothers their roommate.” 

Maria Carrion, a junior rehabilitation sciences student, found herself in conflict with her roommate without even realizing what she had done wrong.

“I would always Skype or call people late at night. But, for some reason, [my roommate] felt obligated to stay up with me, but then, the next day, she would be rude and short with me,” said Carrion. 

Carrion said her roommate never asked her to get off the phone and never told Carrion that she wanted to go to bed earlier. 

“She would just magically expect me to know when she wanted to go to bed. And then she would be very passive-aggressive and make backhanded comments,” Carrion said. 

According to Forest, this way of dealing with conflict will only make the conflict worse. 

“It’s important to deal with issues that are bothering you, or they will fester,” Forest said. “It may feel more harmonious to avoid it at the time, but it will be ineffective in the long run.”

Carrion responded to her roommate’s passive-aggressive attitude with a similar mindset. 

“I never confronted her about it because if she didn’t want her feelings known, I wasn’t going to press her about it,” Carrion said. “And it was her own fault that she wound up miserable about it.”