Getting her number was only the start

Last Saturday night, I found myself at a party conversing with a girl I didn’t know for the… Last Saturday night, I found myself at a party conversing with a girl I didn’t know for the first time in my new era of singleness. And, miracle of miracles, it went very well and I got her phone number. Next, I was faced with an entirely different quandary. How long do I wait before calling her?

This is the first of what I’m sure are numerous conundrums that I’ll be encountering as a freshly single person new to the college dating world. I didn’t think it should be too terribly hard, and for a solution to my question, I first tried to think back to how I dealt with it the last time it faced me. That would have been back in high school, which means I’ve likely already blocked it out of my conscious, retrievable memory. If it had gone well, I’d definitely remember it. Chances are I called too early.

A female friend, when asked for advice, told me to call her the very next day. No way in hell. I may be a rookie, but even I know to lay off the proverbial 3-0 pitch and not call the day after. I’d come off as desperate and stalker-ish, neither of which are good qualities – or so I’m told.

A male friend told me to wait two days before calling; that would send the message that I’m interested, but not desperate. I asked if three days would be even more appropriate, but he said that three days would be too long, and I’d look uninterested.

At this point, I feel like I’m reenacting scenes from “Swingers.” If this keeps up, come 2 a.m. Saturday, you’ll likely find me sitting alone at the Eat ‘n’ Park in Squirrel Hill ordering “pancakes in the age of the Enlightenment.”

“Two days is protocol,” my friend said.

Protocol?

I’m sorry, but any situation in which the word “protocol” is involved should have written rules or be taught at a finishing school along with ballroom dancing the proper location of the salad fork in a place setting. Something here just isn’t right.

I shouldn’t need a team of constitutional scholars and a copy of the Geneva Accords to go about getting a date with a girl, but that’s beside the point. I can’t change the system, so for now I just have to play by the complicated, unwritten rules that, for reasons beyond my understanding, many people think are normal. So, it’s back to the technicalities of the issue.

How do I measure two days? Is it two days from the evening I got her number? Is it two days beginning the day after the evening I got her number? Since it was after midnight that I acquired the digits, does that count as Saturday or Sunday? Where does the counting start?

My friend, obviously terrified at the turn my train of logic had taken, told me to shut up and call her Monday evening and ask her out for a mid-afternoon coffee. I know I’m out of the loop as far as this stuff is concerned, but I wondered why he specified that the date take place during mid-afternoon. Are dinner and a movie out of the question?

My friend not only shot down the idea, he told me I’d planned them in the wrong order, and that the movie was supposed to come before dinner. A survey of a few more close friends revealed to me that evening dates are considered too high-pressure, and that the first date should take place during the daylight hours.

I decided that the whole situation was getting pretty ridiculous and that I’d just call her Monday evening and wing it. And that’s what I did. However, after the first ring, a possibility entered my mind that I hadn’t previously taken into account – the possibility that she might not answer the phone. Do I leave a message? After the fifth ring, I began a panicky rant, which, though it lasted some 30 seconds, felt as though it must have run for seven-and-a-half minutes and was unrivaled in its incoherency. Smooth, Matt. Smooth.

Now, I’m just waiting to receive a call back from her. Different friends have told me that if she doesn’t call me back, I can call her again in two days, seven days, or never. Mark my words; if anything comes of this, I’m going to make the writing of the formal rules of dating the ultimate side project. This is an endeavor which, with some time and effort, could be a lot easier for many more people, or, at the very least, me.

Matt Wein is a columnist for the Pitt News. Should you not find him drowning his sorrows in a cup of bad decaf at Eat ‘n’ Park this weekend, you can e-mail him at mattwein@hotmail.com.