Where have all the lonely hearts gone?

Dear Sex N’at:

As everyone knows, Saturday was Valentine’s Day, the day that couples love… Dear Sex N’at:

As everyone knows, Saturday was Valentine’s Day, the day that couples love almost as much as singles hate. This is the day that has been a scourge to me almost every year.

This year, however, was going to be different. This year, I am of legal age (finally). This year, I was going out. After all, if you’re single and you don’t hit the bars on Valentine’s Day, when do you hit the bar? Better yet, all the “attached” girls would be out with their sweetie, thus saving me the time of finding out which ones had boyfriends. Where were all the girls?

After starting at Bootleggers and Pittsburgh Cafe and seeing a grand total of one girl that was not within 10 feet of her boyfriend, we wound up at Hemingway’s. There, we found triple the single women of the prior establishments. There were plenty of single guys, but no gals. Are there really only five single girls on this entire campus who are 21 or older (or at least have an ID that says they are)? Where are all the girls?

The Dear Hunter

Dear Dear:

While your efforts were valiant, they were doomed from the start.

It was Valentine’s Day, dude! What were you thinking?

If you had scored, or even gotten so much as a fake cell number, you’d belong in some kind of Hall of Fame somewhere. Single women do not go to bars on Valentine’s Day to meet bar-guys. Single women band together on Valentine’s Day, existing in enclaves of “Sex and the City” reruns and wine that didn’t come from a box. Or they go to bars in packs, determined to avoid the male species entirely.

Once, a few years ago, I went to a bar while single on Valentine’s Day. This was, oh, a week or so after The Guy — the guy I’d been dating for more than four years; the guy with whom I still lived, because there aren’t tons of open apartments in Oakland in February — had dumped my sorry ass. I wasn’t there for romance. I wasn’t there to socialize. I wasn’t even there for revenge sex.

I was there to get into a bare-knuckle brawl with Jack Daniel’s.

And I did.

Is that who you’d like to meet at the bar?

Seriously, Valentine’s Day is a high-pressure situation. Everyone who is single is either openly miserable or valiantly pretending that “it’s just another day on the calendar.” Everyone is acutely aware of their single-hood on Valentine’s Day, more so than any other day of the year. Sure, okay, there are well-adjusted singles who really don’t give a hoot about the day or their status, but let’s be honest — they are in the minority.

Lots of singles like to spend Valentine’s Day together, happily or angrily wallowing in their lack of a mate. If they are at bars, they are already with the people in whose company they wish to spend the evening.

And if they are wallowing angrily or sadly, it’s likely they’ll decide to escape the charming South Oakland pub scene and perhaps treat their wounded souls to revelry in the land of the $9 martini — I speak, of course, of Shadyside.

Here’s something else to ponder. Not all coupled-up folks love Valentine’s Day. In fact, many dread the pressure of creating a perfect evening with their sweetie, or picking the right gift. Low-carb chocolates seemed so right in the store!

Go forth unto the bars, my Dear. Just don’t do it on the most high-stress relationship day of the year next time!

Melissa Meinzer spent Valentine’s Day with her favorite Weekly World News bat child, wearing all black. E-mail her at sex@pittnews.com.