Don’t run with scissors, and don’t pee next to me

Did you ever play whisper-down-the-lane and wonder how the original message got messed up so… Did you ever play whisper-down-the-lane and wonder how the original message got messed up so badly? Not to brag, but the answer is me. When it wasn’t me, it was your kindergarten class’ version of me. The original message would be traveling fine until it reached me. Then I would intentionally change “don’t run with scissors,” to “the teacher’s nipples are hard,” or “your mom and dad are Santa Claus.” As many former teachers can tell you, I was the kid you didn’t want in your class. In my lifetime I’ve forced 14 teachers into early retirement, to take a year on sabbatical, or to change school districts.

I’ve matured a lot – I never play whisper-down-the-lane anymore. But when it comes to being a jerk, well, I don’t foresee condom water balloons becoming any less funny in the next 25 years. Jumping out of my friend’s closet when he’s with his girlfriend is also a timeless gag. I’ll also never get tired of putting boogers in other people’s food, dropping someone else’s pants while they’re trying to spin game, or editing other people’s reports and resumes with my own creative touches when they’re not looking. (Despite his 3.9 QPA, my friend got turned down for a job because his resume said he liked to put cats in the microwave.)

While the crap I mentioned above bothers some people, it is commonly understood that they are all jokes. Perhaps they are jokes that only a few people find funny. Perhaps I’m a jerk for doing them. However, there is no guy code against them. What bothers me today is not tasteless practical jokes, but when the commonly understood guy code is broken. For some reason, not all undergraduate men at Pitt seem to understand how to use a urinal. Rather than get upset, I’d like to explain to everyone a couple of the rules some guys don’t seem to know.

Taking a piss is not a group activity unless you don’t have a penis. If you have no pecker, it’s like a big party. Otherwise, you’re on your own. It’s not that difficult to figure out what to do, so you don’t need to invite someone else along. I can’t believe I even had to write this rule down, but I’ve noticed some guys breaking this rule. Not that it’s my business, but I’d like to inform those guys how terrible they look when they do it.

Also, I’ve noticed a lack of instinct inside the bathroom. For example, a couple days ago I went to urinate. All five urinals in this particular bathroom were available, and I took the left end. With four urinals not being used to my right, the next guy to come in took the one beside me. What the hell? As most of us reading this realize, he should have taken the right end. If a third person had entered, he would be able to take the middle, leaving an empty urinal between each of us. Anyone after that could have taken a stall, waited, or pissed himself.

To me, rules like this seem simple and self-explanatory. However, for some reason, some of us at Pitt just aren’t grasping these concepts. So I will explain a couple reasons that explain why following these rules is necessary.

You shouldn’t stand close to a guy while he’s pissing because your dicks are hanging out. I can’t speak for every male, but anytime I bring out my penis, it’s happy time – even when I’m just pissing. Whizzing out 10 Busch pounders is such a great, relaxing feeling. I want to enjoy the moment with Little Christian, and not the fat dude named Bob standing next to me.

I have one more reason. Sometimes the velocity of my stream is increased dramatically from its normal speed due to alcoholism. In situations like these, I stand back a couple of feet because I don’t want to get hit with my own splashback. If someone is at the urinal next to mine, they face several dangers. First, they face the danger of my splashback. But worse yet, if they have been facing straight ahead as they should under normal circumstances, I might be back far enough to be out of their view. If they’re not paying close attention, they could turn and walk right into my stream. If this isn’t reason enough to learn how to correctly pick a urinal, I don’t know what is.

Christian really wanted to name Little Christian “The Say Hey Kid” after the greatest ballplayer of all time, but the name “It” became widespread first. Every time girls see L.C. they ask, “Is that It?” Send name suggestions and feedback to cdb24@pitt.edu.